Hot Problems... My only thought continues to be: Wow.

So I found a link to this video yesterday, and I can't stop watching it.  It's amazing in a way that my brain can't really grasp.

Please to enjoy: "Hot Problems"

If I were the type to tell jokes like this or say this phrase, you would definitely hear me respond, "More like, HOT MESSES!" Before bursting into gut-busting peals of laughter.

But I'm not, so I won't.

What is the MATTER with this?  I get that these girls have got to be about 15 years old, and that there's something psychologically off with EVERY 15 year old girl, but these two seem to have a lot more problems than they're currently aware of.

First off, where did they get this "hot girl" notion in the first place?  What happened wrong in their lives to make them think they were so incredible that they could make this assertion in a music video, post it on the internet, and then assume that all of their watchers would agree: Yep, those conceited teenagers with the terrible, terrible voices? HOT.  And yes, I'm certain they're better looking than me at age 15, but seeing as pretty much EVERYone I knew at the time could make the same claim, I'm actually not impressed.

Second: "I lie, and being hot makes me a raging bitch sometimes", these are not problems.  These are significant character flaws.  15 year old kid problems include things like failing out of school (I'm sure they've got that problem, why couldn't they have talked about that?), getting shunned by the in crowd, falling to peer pressure, not getting invited to prom.  "My life is hard too, because I'm a liar" is not a life problem.  It's just more evidence that you are a horrible, horrible human being.

Oh right, and adding that the only difference between you and me is that you're hot and I'm not, it's not entirely a true.  I can also carry a tune.

BOOM!!!

Extra brain wrinkles. Just keep thinking, extra brain wrinkles.

So my great big update:  NOTHING.

That's right.  Freakin' nothing.  Although I did get an anatomy lesson and learned a little bit about what it means to have a posterior cervix (look it up if you'd like, I am in no mood to talk about it here).

Quick side note, the more I learn about my own anatomy, the more I feel like a creepy nasty alien creature. My new mental picture of what a cervix looks like will definitely be haunting my dreams tonight.

Basically, what it means is that my doctor thought it would be pointless to check if I was dilated, as OBVIOUSLY this is not happening any time soon.  I don't know if I'm still dilating, I don't know if I'm effaced, but apparently, none of that matters.  He's giving me a 60% chance of still being pregnant by next Monday's appointment.  Which, he added, was better than the "100% chance" he was thinking (but didn't mention to me) the week before.  Most of the appoint was spent with the doctor convincing me how all of this practice was going to make labor like, awesome.  Basically, it'll be more akin to a weekend at a luxury vacation spa than to shoving a bowling ball through my creepy nasty alien creature.

But in the meantime, I guess I've got more time to wait.  Wait, and clean house. Wait, and do some extra cooking.  Wait, and feel ridiculously exhausted while sleep continues to escape me.  And for those of you who have to encounter me at any point in this period, sorry that I'm so unpleasant.  Every day hurts a little more, and every day I'm a little more tired, and these things are not conducive to happy cheery moods.

Have a happy day folks, and if you have a chance, take a nap on me!  I plan to live vicariously through your well-restedness.

Wait: WHY am I still pregnant?!?

Alrighty, this is getting a little bit ridiculous.  Seriously folks, is there even such a THING as labor vacation?!?

I was in labor.  I swear it on my undead (not zombified, just not... dead) mother's grave.  I've been in labor before, I know what labor feels like.  2 days ago I was having regular contractions that were, in fact, confirmed by a medical professional AND a machine that were both created for the singular purpose of identifying real life contractions.

So here's a question:  WHY THE HECK IS IT THAT I AM STILL PREGNANT?!??

Me.

Now, I understand that my due date is still 12 days away.  I've not been DYING for our little guy to be early, I've been enjoying getting things done, getting rest, spending 1 on 1 time with my little girl.  And all those March of Dimes sheets on the walls at the hospital insist that if your baby comes early than 39 weeks their brain will basically be perfectly smooth, and that is NOT want you want in any sort of brain.  This is not about wanting to be done with pregnancy before my intended time.  I didn't have a problem with the wait.

What I DO have a problem with his this, this, cheating that seems to be going on.  I may not know much about human anatomy or, I don't know... science, but I do know this: When you are full term, AND THEN you go into labor, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET A BABY.  So seriously, can someone please tell me, why am I still pregnant, and WHERE is my BABY?!?

Re: Why I'm still pregnant.

As you may have deduced from the title of this post (you magically super deducer you!)  I am still "with child", and am not yet, you know, with child.

Contractions started around 4pm yesterday, and around 9:30pm, when they'd gotten consistently at around 3-4 minutes apart, we decided to head for the hospital.  I was in very little pain, but just the same, I'd been having contractions from 3-7 minutes apart for 5 1/2 hours, which was a good deal more than the "1-2 hours at 5 minutes apart" that my doctor had instructed me just a few days before.  So we packed our suitcase into the car and headed out for our 5 minute drive to the hospital, plus short "oops, that side of the hospital is closed, please go around" stroll in the rain.

So we get there, I get weighed in (190.  TERRIFYING, but it was night time, and I was fully dressed and... and I don't like to think about it.) changed, questioned within an inch of my life, and strapped down into the cozy hospital bed, and it's time to get checked.  Sure enough, contractions are, in fact, happening between 3-4 minutes apart.  Which is good, because up till that point, I was convinced I was being crazy, or that the contractions would immediately stop when someone else started monitoring them, and the fact that we were showing with a suitcase like we expected to move in or something would make our inevitable walk of shame away from the hospital later that night all the more shameful.

But no worries, I WAS in fact having consistent contractions every 3-4 minutes.  Booyah, I wasn't crazy!

So next step: "The Check".  How far along WAS I, exactly?  What exactly were those contractions doing for me and and when could they get us a room?

Results?  60% effaced, 1 1/2 centimeters dilated.  So basically: contracting, yes.  "In labor"... debatable.  But because of my super quick labor with baby 1, the doctor decided I should "walk".  So up we go, around and around the teacup sized nursing station in the center of labor and delivery, between 11pm and midnight, turning the same direction enough times to feel dizzy from it.  During our stroll, we made a command decision:  If this was not going to happen, if they were going to walk of shame us out of that hospital in the middle of the night, we were definitely, without a doubt, going to Denny's for middle of the night food.  It was going to be delicious and awesome and exactly like being young and impulsive and in college again.  And seriously, what better way to celebrate being in pretend labor than that?

So eventually, after our hour was up, I waddled back to be further examined.  New results:  TWO and half centimeters dilated, 70, no we changed our minds, 80% effaced.  So what does that mean exactly?  It means that the doctor gets to decide my fate.  And that fate was that it was time to go home, after having some sort of sleeping pill practically forcibly inserted down my throat. "I don't know that I want to take that..." "No no, it's better.   You need to get rest, and if you get to where you're in a ton of pain, it won't work anyway.  You need it."  So terrifying nurse Nazi won out (that's not really fair, she was a fine nurse), and I took the blue pill.  As I am still in a drunken stupor today, I'll say I regret this particular piece of advice.  Also, as we stumbled into bed around 2am, about 10 minutes after that pill had begun to take effect, I'm pretty sure I declared a war on pants.  I couldn't figure which side was front and I was confused and tired and frustrated and decided that pants were far too complicated to be worth anything they had to offer.

So now it's Saturday.  Saturday afternoon and, it would seem, labor took a vacation.  Sometime during the night my contractions quit out, which may have been a wonderful gift, as feeling drugged out from the stupid pill would have made labor much more difficult than if I, say, simply hadn't slept all night.  I'm not sure exactly what to do with myself, I don't know how long labor vacations typically last.  I've been pretty well assured that I won't last till my due date, but I may very well go to my next OB appointment, this coming Monday morning.

As for now, I'm ready for another painful walk.  Let's see if we can't get this sucker started back up again.  I haven't been feeling the need to have an early labor, but after last night's escapades, I feel like I deserve to see my little boy now.

So have a wonderful weekend, friends.  Hope your trials and tribulations all end in massive amounts of joy!

Middle of the Night Crazy Post

At the moment it's 3:07am.  That means I've been awake for about 2 hours, 10 minutes.   ::sigh::

This is a particularly hard time of life to sleep.  Aside from massive heartburn, RLS, and basic body discomfort, my brain seems dead set against me getting any rest.  It takes far too long to fall asleep in the first place, but then decides to continue its crazy and obsessive nature into my dreams.  My dreams, in fact, don't feel a whole lot like dreams anymore.  Instead, they just feel like really obsessive thoughts I'm having in semi-3D, over... and over... and over...

Tonight, it was labor.  I dreamed I was going into labor right now.  I dreamed I was going into labor and I was out of town.  I dreamed I didn't realize till it was slightly too late, and now I might not make it to the hospital.  I dreamed about it till I was essentially convinced that I am ACTUALLY only a few minutes from starting labor, and I'd better stay awake so I don't miss it.  Because that's the deal, right?  Why would I be randomly obsessing about this so much if my body wasn't trying to express its secret plan, wherein the baby is coming today?

I don't know.  It's all simultaneously very exhausting and not letting me fall back asleep.

So I'm watching cartoons now.  That's right.  Looney Tunes, in fact.  and I'm learning some pretty important information.  For starters, apparently Gak is Back.  Remember Gak?  Like, a cross between silly putty and play dough but with a gooey, snotty sort of texture?  Plus, if I remember correctly, it smelled really off.  Now I feel like I kind of miss Gak.

Next, I learned that Monopoly is now played with a sort of credit card.  Not really sure how or why the Parker Brothers sold out so obviously to the likes of Master Card, but I feel like this one's particularly sad.  Ah well.  I guess original Monopoly had us mortgaging ourselves up to our eyeballs, maybe this was the logical next step.

Alright.  Now, it's 3:32, and Ben 10 is on and that probably means it's time to give sleep another go.  I'm not sure what this show is, but so far there's a boy who owns a watch that turned him into a monkey. Yep, it's definitely time for more sleep.

Adios, Lectores! Espero que puedes contar tus muchas bendiciones en este Viernes Santo!

Seriously, Little Dude Baby?

My son, who has been riding impressively low for the past 2 and a half weeks, seems to have found new depths today.  To the degree that, for the past hour or two, standing up straight just seems to be out of the question.  Straightening my body out allows him to sit directly on the nerves running to both legs, sending sharp blasts of pain through my everything, and causing my legs to buckle.

But isn't there some ridiculous solution to this that can remove my pain and high probability of falling, while also making me look like an absolute charicature of a real life human being?  Of COURSE!  I can walk around just fine, so long as I keep my knees bent, and I tilt over at the waist.

Basically, today I look a lot like this:

Just, much heavier, and with more hair.  And without the cane.  Or the word "sample" written across my midsection.  That guy should really have that looked at.

Anyway, 3 weeks left from tomorrow, or less, which is my guess.  We shall see!

Wowie wow wow wow!!

Just had a moment:

I recorded my April 1 weight just now, which, if you're curious but not enough to click a tab, was 183.  In the process of doing so, I began thinking about next month, what I would weigh a little closer to the end of the pregnancy.  That's when I had the realization:

I probably won't be pregnant then.

Wowie kazam, this is coming up fast all of a sudden.  My son is due this month.  More specifically, my son is due in 24 days.

In the words of my daughter, "I CAN NOT BOOO- LIEVE IT!"  Credit where credit is due, those words are from Little Einsteins.  My daughter is a movie/television quoter.  After her second viewing of 101 Dalmations, she turns to me and says, "I not sleepy, I hungee!"  Yep.  She's all about Rolly.

Back to the point, hopefully by May Day I'll weigh like, 40 pounds less, and be sharing thousands and thousands of pictures of my perfect little baby boy, who already sleeps through the night and really hardly cries at all.  Yep, that's what I'm expecting.

...

It's possible that I'm not in the most rational place right now.