Noooo!!!

Had an awful surprise this morning when weighing in.  Looks like my personal vacation from dieting has taken its toll, and I was back up to 153.  GAAAHH!!  Shane was happy to point out that he weighed 149.  I get it, you're skinny every single day.  How flippin nice for you.

In the end, this bit of weight gain will probably be a good thing.  I've started getting comfortable with myself in the 140s, and though I hadn't nearly hit my goal weight, I've really been feeling more and more like a skinny person.  Unfortunately, I don't yet know what it is to act like a skinny person.  Because I was getting comfortable, the tiny demon in my brain sounded more and more convincing.  This time, instead of insulting me, it's getting complementary.  "You can afford to indulge a little, look what you've done!"  "You'll be just fine if you don't work out, you're a skinny person now!" "Don't you think you're about small enough?  Here. Have a cookie."

In the end, it's almost terrifying how quickly all of my bad habits can come back.  Bored eating, tired eating, eating more than necessary and indulging on junk may always be my slipping points.  That brought me to another realization.  I'll be on a diet for the rest of my life.

This doesn't mean that I'll never eat another _____ again (insert whatevertheheck, really doesn't matter).  But it does mean that I need to be on top of it forever.  I believe that every fat person has this dream of "finishing" their weight loss journey, by which I mean getting down to their goal weight and then getting to do whatever they want.  I think that's one reason why bariatric surgery is so stinkin popular, and why so many people end up putting the weight back on.  It's hard to know that there's no end in sight to monitoring calories, to restricting portions and avoiding bad foods.  It bites.  But just the same, it's worth it for health, it's worth it for the ability to do more than you'd ever thought possible, and it's worth it to dump all of my size 10, 12, and 14 jeans at a garage sale and know that I never, ever, EVER have to go back there again.

So I picked up 8 boxes of SlimFast bars today, which should get me through the next few weeks.  No more instead ofs, I'm back on 2 bars a day and getting back to my exercise.  It's a pain, it's discouraging, but I want to see the 130s,  and I want to see the 120s.  I know how to get there, so as they say, ain't nuthin to it but to do it!