Saturday, August 27, 2011

THIS is why I can't have nice things.

And by things, I very obviously mean fingernails.

Here's the deal: I am a child.  I am messy, twitchy, and impatient.  I have absolutely no idea how other people do it, but I simply canNOT keep polish on my fingernails.  To begin with, I'm just really bad at painting them. Half the paint always ends up on the skin surrounding the nail.  Now assuming I get... oh man, I really want fooood!  No.  No.  Dinner date is coming soon. Do not, do NOT raid the fridge now.  Okay.  Sorry about that.  Now assuming I actually get some paint ON the nails, it always gets smudged or scraped while it's still wet and no matter how early I finish them, I wake up with something akin to a face-print on at least one nail the next morning.  I have spent many a Sunday morning strategically hiding the one moron nail through seven dozen hand shakes, so as to not seem like a maniac.  Come to think of it, really, really not sure if my hidden finger handshakes are actually helping there.

So, I'm terrible at painting my nails.  Established.  Obvious next option is to pay other people to do it, because APPARENTLY this is a really prominent business model, and there are people willing to paint my nails for small amounts of money on every third corner all around the city, right?  NO. And here's why:

1) I don't like to pay people to do things that I can do myself.  Even if I can't do it myself.  I don't like to pay people for things that I think maybe I should be able to do myself.

2) I don't like sitting there watching other people scrub my hands and feet.  It feels awkward, like I'm trying to subjugate the local Asian population, and I just don't feel comfortable with that.

3) There's a good chance that everyone everywhere is making fun of me.  I would give you a list of my top 100 reasons why, but THEN you might think I'm neurotic and crazy.  Just know that it's probably true.

4) I don't understand or appreciate tipping.  Especially at businesses where people set their own prices, and I'm paying them directly.  I think I have grossly overtipped, and I KNOW I've grossly undertipped, and this feeds right into the 100 reasons why people are talking about me behind my back.  That's not exactly the same as the list in #3, but there's a little bit of crossover, certainly.

5) Forget what I said in #1. Mostly, I don't like paying for anything.

So unless something magical changes about that list, these are the reasons why my nails will always look like they were painted by a serial killer.  As for today, I already took the polish off, maybe 30 minutes after painting them.  So no harm done, except for that creepy stained pink look that dark colors leave behind.  I'll keep my toe polish.  For one, my toes farther away from your eyes than my hands are. I hope.  For two, I can always hide them in my shoes, and no one has to know how bad I am at painting them.  So, you know. Win win.

Hope you're all having a day with fewer regrets than mine!  Oh, and keep those personalized art orders coming in.  You're gonna want one of those things when I'm famous and you're jealous.

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