Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Food Network, please stop making my ears vomit.

The tapping of a measuring cup on a bowl. The repeated scraping of a fork as it smooshes up a banana. Eggs cracking. Silverware jingling. Everything pouring and clanking and smacking and scraping and oh my heavens, I'm going to be sick.

Crap, someone's whisking another egg. Clankclankclankclankclank squishsquishsquishsquish.

And that's just the food. We haven't yet gotten into the audio assault that is Giada's (absolutely necessary I'm sure) Italian pronunciation of every third ingredient. "This dish is traditionally made with Moh-thaaaa-RRRRRRRRRRRRellia, but I think I'm going to substitute the wah wah wah cheese for an extra kick of wah wah waaaah....", Or of course the Barefoot Contessa's constant attempts to convince the world of her Guinness book worthy collection of Gay Friends. Oh, they just love to stop in with a glass of wine and help out. Aaaaaaaawwwwww.

Which of course brings us to the Food Tasting. The horrible horrible Food Tasting. Please zoom in on my mouth while I masticate through the dish I just prepared myself, and listen while I give Meg Ryan's "I'll have what she's having" performance a real run for it's money. YES! YES! YES!

Then please let me describe what I'm eating while chewing directly into a lapel mic, crunching, smacking, mmmming, and (not a joke) occasionally snorting, all for your listening pleasure.

Now, I get that you're using a visual/audio medium to sell a product that's not primarily meant to be consumed in that way, but FOR FRICKS SAKE, we know you think it's good. Trust me here, nobody needs to have a faux-gasm for us to believe you think your cooking is delicious. Besides, what else WOULD you say on a televised tasting of your own cooking? "Holy mother of pearl, what is this steaming pile of horse manure and who allowed me access to a stocked pantry and allowed me to inflict this upon the world and myself?!"  No. You're going to smile and moan and collapse onto the counter and convince me that I won't feel so lonely in the night times if I have your spinach and Prrrroh-CHOOO-to laced grilled cheese MASTERPEICE.

On the other hand, thanks a ton, Food Network, since I'm supposed to be on a diet, and you may have just put me off the whole concept of food forever.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Day 4: Hulk LOVE Diet. Maybe Hulk need mood stabilizers.

Yesterday's immense suffering becomes today's super happy joy feeling. Today's weigh in: 150.8.


Whew, okay. So technically, after stomach flu day (did I mention I got a RAGING stomach flu the day before we left on vacation?  Good times) I weighed in at, like, 149.2, so today's weight isn't my best 2014 weight, but repeatedly emptying the contents of your stomach followed by crippling dehydration doesn't feel like healthy weight loss and probably shouldn't count. Also, I totally gained that weight back in the interim, so it REALLY shouldn't count.  So, there. Today is better.

In other news, I'm trying to become a new kind of grown up person, like, a real, grown up mature kind of person. The kind of person who cooks dinners, keeps a  budget, pays off debt, maintains a healthy weight... after first getting to a healthy weight, teaches my kids, cleans house, and most importantly for today, DOESN'T kill all the plants. So now, I'm growing... or slowly killing, depending on your perspective, green beans, radishes, and two kinds of strawberries. So far, the harvest has been: one very small strawberry. And that strawberry grew before I transplanted the little plants to my pots. That one little strawberry probably grew in the car on the way home from Idaho when it hadn't yet realized it was under my care. My kids ate it, each taking one little teensy bite.  
I'm kind of hopeful here, because, and I don't know if you can tell, but in the above photo, there are a few radishes and a couple strawberries trying VERY hard to be alive. Keep it up little guys! I believe in you! Philippians 4:13!!!
Unfortunately, the big pot variety here (the big pot has different strawberries than the 3 other pots, and I don't remember what any of them are called), so the Big Pot Variety are looking very sad. Wilty. Some browning, no blossoms anywhere. So I'm trying more sun. Maybe less water. I'm so sorry tiny plants, please don't die, I'm trying to give my children Life Experiences, and so far the only Experience they are having is that Everything Turns Brown Shrivels Up And Gets Dumped In The Green Trash Can. 

My expectations are low here, but like in some many other ways, my dreams remain lofty. And hey, remember, I've lost 2.2 pounds already this week. Anythings, possible, Guys. ANYTHING IS FREAKING POSSIBLE. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


It's Day 3 of Once Again Starting Another Diet Again Redux Again One More Time (I could probably stand to work on my titles, but that's neither here nor there) and OH MY GOSH IT'S HORRIBLE.

Something happens on Day 3 of Diets, I'm not exactly sure why it happens due to I'm not a scientist, but Day 3 is when my body suddenly becomes a DIET HATING MONSTER AND I WILL EAT AAAALL THE THIIIIINGS.  I hate diets. It's not even that I'm hungry, I don't think. Am I? I can't even tell anymore. It's just that, well, I know I'm not allowed things and GAAAAAAAAAAH.

I apologize for all the type-screaming, but unless you're particularly new here, you know that when I'm on a diet,  this is where I come to bleed out all of my wretched wretched feelings.  But this is my process, and this is my blog, so deal with it.

I'm really sorry about that. I'm not usually quite so aggressive. Trust me, it's the diet talking.

The day didn't start too bad. Monday and Tuesday were fantastic, and today started with coffee, chased down by 45 minutes of Zumba. Roast beef sandwich for lunch, chased down by SOMEONE WOKE UP MY APPETITE I NEED TO EAT EVERYTHING. ehem.

On the bright side, I'm complaining here instead of actually eating anything. And hey, by the way, I'm pretty sure it's actual hunger. Or something. I don't know, I'm miserable.

My official Monday starting weight was 153. Today, I am 152.2.  It's certainly not miraculous change, in fact, it's still about half a pound worse than I was last Friday (It's possible husband and I made some not-good choices last weekend. One last group of six unhealthy meals before it's diet time.) But I'm hopeful. I'm cutting back. I'm exercising more.  I'm doing the stuff that has to work, because it's the law. And hopefully days 4-90 will be less painful and more skinny-er.

Oh, one more thing. I did a Google image search for "Diet Crying" because of my feelings, and along with all the semi-amusing diet memes, pictures of food, sad children, and older ladies lounging in sexy bathing suits on the stairs (wait, what??), I found this:

Which I'm pretty sure is a turtle who just got caught cheating on his diet. Put. The grass. Down.  It's just not worth it, buddy. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Is it Fall yet??

Well folks, the summer is done, and it's back to real life now. And by summer, I of course mean the week of vacation we got, spending time with family and lounging by the pool. But alas, now we are home, good ol' work to do, floors to scrub, bills to pay, bedtimes to enforce home.

Our life is about to change, it seems. The Old One is turning 5 in October, and so we're starting down the education superhighway.  (WOAH. Did you know that superhighway was one word?!? Because I did not, until I wrote it and the internet was like, "Don't worry dude, you're a'ight" And I was like "Really??" and it was like "Totally, man, you don't need to change anything. We're cool." And so then I was like, "Well, if you're sure..."  SECOND SIDE NOTE: My internet word checker person seems to think I have a penis. Also, solely based on this conversation, I think he may have gotten into the pot.)

Aaaaanywaaaaaay.... we're homeschooling our kids. Well, kid. For now. We're starting in about 4 weeks (HOLY COW IS THAT FOR REAL?!? 4 WEEKS????) and while I am excited, the Old One has taken to telling people that her classroom is "Just the corner of the living room", which yes, is true, but geez kid, have a little imagination about it. I mean COME ON, we've got a bookshelf and a magnet calendar and everything!
The school in our home :-P

I'm thinking I might write a blog about it. I dunno, new stage in life, new blog. Plus, I've been perusing the internets and I decided that the one thing they were missing is more 30-something dorky moms talking about the weird ways they choose to raise their kids. So once again, you're welcome, internets.

Husband and I are starting diets again... Tomorrow. We've started to lay out the ground rules, I've got about 24 more pounds to go till Supreme Ultimate Goal Weight, but since I'm down 26 since January, I'm happy to, at least, have made it past the half way marker. Woot! Here's for a super skinnier fall!

Well that's about it for now, but before we go, one last little present from the internets:
Have a lovely Monday, friends!
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