On my way to losing a marathon!

Thursday, December 31, 2015

NYE FTW!!!

Happy New Year's Eve, folks!  Not sure exactly why I'm writing, I'm sure most of my super fab readers are all partying hardcore, being all fancy like
 
or maybe like
or even like 
I don't know how you party. And that's cool. You be you. 

Meanwhile, I'm over here chillin on the couch, wearing a hoodie and getting ready to watch When Harry Met Sally like
Heeeeeeeey!

The kids are asleep. We made the slightly insane choice to let them stay up an extra hour to watch the ball drop in New York (gotta love West Coast parenting!), but they just got all loopy because they were sleepy,  and then they were confused that we were counting backwards at the television and dancing around the living room. "... Why are Mommy and Daddy DOING that??"  

Speaking of which, out of nowhere:

Shane: I'd be a HOT female. Because I know how to work it.

Hmm. I'm not so sure I want to have a deep heart to heart about his resolutions this year. Some thoughts are better when kept on the inside.

So the kids didn't care too much about the ball dropping or the counting or the celebrating, but they DID like the Sparkling Cider, so I guess it wasn't too bad.
Cheers!


Anyhoosit, earlier tonight I grocery shopped, and I absolutely selfied all over that FoodMaxx. Here is my story. 

Once upon a time, I went to the grocery store.

Oh yeah, It's also important to mention that I went to the grocery store dressed up like a homeless.  
I bought this produce....
It made me feel extremely sexy, all that produce. Even with the homeless thing going on...
Because I knew that some day soon, I'm going to look like this.
The end.

And that's officially the first and last times I take pictures of myself in the grocery store. All that harsh lighting and pushing food around, it's just not ever going to give me quite that "Kardashian" feel I've been going for.

Okay. We're When Harry Met Sally-ing now. And it's maybe my favorite movie ever, so I'm ditching all you losers.  Tomorrow though. Tomorrow we will have some words.

Happy, happy, happiest of new years to you all! Joy and happiness and blessings to you all!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

3 more days till diet means I'm not currently on a diet.


Yeah. Second Dinner. Bet you didn't even know that was a thing. I made it a thing.

Obviously, I'm going a little crazy with the fat thing and the eating thing. I'm just really going about this whole plan in a different way than ever before. Last time I went on a diet, I spent the last week before the diet "began" trying to eat a little better and work out more regularly to prepare. So that my before stats wouldn't be so bad.  But it has since occurred to me that this is a really lame way to go about dieting. Because life can't ALL be about restrictive living. So this week, I'm eating all the junk that I won't be touching for 3 weeks.... 6 weeks.... 20 weeks... something weeks. Whatever it takes to get me to lose about 30 pounds. 30 pounds weeks.

Anyway the point is, restriction is coming. And I intend to do restriction AWESOME. I plan to get up early and exercise before work, I plan to grill chicken so I've got lean protein to eat every day for lunch, I plan to be INCREDIBLE at it. You'll all be impressed, I assure you. But I'm not there yet. Right now, I'm being incredible at candy and sourdough and coffee creamer.  I'm "enjoying my last cigarette", as it were. Except it's not a cigarette. I tried one of those once and I hated it. THAT was my last cigarette. It's a metaphor, you see? My cigarette is like... chocolate. Or some kind of giant pile of carbohydrates. With candy on it. And also ice cream.

So there you have it. Publicly and unapologetically, getting chunkier on purpose. Well... sort of on purpose. But with deliberate action, so I guess yeah, on purpose.

But I think there's a good diet thing here. (As I'm writing this I am also eating another Rolo and 2 more Hershey's kisses. I am not ashamed. Even though I totally should be but whatever.) Anyway, yeah, I think this is a good diet thing. I am putting myself out there. I am letting you know how bad this got so that I am freaking accountable to be a better human in 2016. Because if I don't, you'll just be left knowing how disgusting I am. Because ferreals, there's a chance I head back to the kitchen for a few more chocolate things.

So there you have it, folks. Being disgusting now, so that I can be super not disgusting later. It's science, let me assure you.

Also science: the picture that has me the most excited to get to the weight losing.

3 short weeks of diet and exercise. Actual visible results. And shoot, just imagine what 3 months would do! Hashtag Bikini Bodies, Y'all!!

Monday, December 28, 2015

It is official. Christmas is dun. Dun. Dun dun DUUUUUUN!!!!

Sitting on the couch watching the Broncos beat the Bengals with a turnover in overtime, having spent the entire day lounging in pajamas at my mother's house, celebrating the Navidad. And I'm enjoying life. And then suddenly I realize:

Real life comes back tomorrow.

Ewwww. Real life is busy and gross and it has lots of responsibilities and ZERO fudge.  I'm not sure how they even get away with that.

Tomorrow is for writing reports and making schedules and it has meetings and appointments and phone calls aplenty. That's not twinkly lights and wrapping paper. That's not nice at all. That's hard work. But here's the thing about Christmas: It is beautiful, but it doesn't last. And here's the thing about twinkly lights: Our electric bill is OUTRAGEOUS. Like, "time to sell one of the kids" OUTRAGEOUS. And here's the thing about vacation: it turns out I can't afford my electric bill if I don't get off my tukhus and get back to work. And here's the thing about fudge: I have become a chunky butt. A real live, lumpy, chunky butt.

So it's decided: it is about dang time for real life to come back. Probably. Even though I'm feeling very whiney about the whole idea of tomorrow.

But I am Mrs. Brightside, so I've been working myself up to getting excited about January. Because lets be honest. You really have to make some effort here. Worst. Month. Ever. January is long and it's gray and dreary and it doesn't have anything that's exciting except for some dead guys' birthdays. And also, we're pretty much all fat and poor in January thanks to stupid dumb Christmas*.

But I've decided that January, for all of it's dreary, chubby poverty, can maybe instead be a new time of celebration and excitement. December can be all about your family, but January is all about your life.  Your LIFE people! January is the time when we all get together and decide what kind of humans we want to be when we grow up. January is for big dreams. For inspiration. For hope. For fresh starts, for clean slates, for do overs. January lets you reflect on the past, and project out 365 days of future. And that's not sad, or fat, or poor, or dreary. That's kind of exciting.

So these last few days of December, it seems, will be about getting back to work, and planning for the future. Making some schedules for workouts. Planning our meals. Cleaning out the house. And of course, deciding who I want to be, the year I turn 33.

Okay. That's it. It's getting late and rumor has it that tomorrow, I'm supposed to be a grown up.  But before I leave, here is a picture of me that I thought would be awesome if only I had glasses. So I got some glasses. Now I'm judging you. You're welcome.
Nighty night, friends of mine!

*I'm so, so sorry Christmas. I didn't mean it. Please don't leave me.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

ZOMG IT'S ALMOST 2016. A reflection.

It's just after 8pm. The kids are in bed. They're not asleep, not by a long shot, but they're in bed. Deep, cleansing breath.

I should really take up yoga.

So don't be horribly shocked, but for the sixth year in a row, it's coming up on the new year, and I decided to get back to blogging. And it feels cliche. But then you know what? Who cares. The thing is, I like the New Year.  I like reflection. I like reassessment. And I like making resolutions. So I'm here, and so I'm gonna, and you're just gonna need to deal with it. Happy friggin New Year and all.

And as far as reflection goes, wow. 2015 has been like wow. The last post on here is from July. Since July,
we traveled to Idaho.
we bought a minivan.
we started homeschooling with a new group, where I get to teach a small group of kids once a week.
we went through the whole soccer season.
we threw birthday parties for 3 of our kids.
we therapied.
we Halloweened.
we Thanksgivinged.
we Christmased.
we... I gained a bunch of weight.
and for the biggest surprise change of the year, we got a whole new human.

Our foster daughter has been with us full time for over 4 months now. I can't show you a picture until adoption is finalized, which, thanks to the legendary lightning speed of government, won't be for many many more months. But I did decide to start giving people a "feel" for our family, by turning our newest addition into our ninja-est addition. Now it's not creepy. Now it's totally cool.
Christmas morning around the tree. Everyone looks a little nuts and no one is really sitting still. Because Real Life, folks.
It's been a year of change. New experiences for us. New activities. A schedule packed so full of work and appointments and social workers and court dates and education and church and sports that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. And also? It's really noisy. I have to learn how to relax around noisy. And the messy. And the crazy. Ooooh the crazy.

And it seems in the midst of this life change, I have, to use a term the kids are saying these days, "let myself go", or "gotten really super fat again". I don't know. It's all very technical.

But I don't feel bad about it. Cuz the way I figure it, I basically had a new baby. Just... a peculiarly tall new baby, with a suprising grasp on the English language and a passion for all things Frozen. BUT THE POINT IS THAT I HAD A BABY.  And I always get fat when I have a baby. That's to be expected. The baby wanted ice cream and hamburgers. And really, I only gained like, 15-20 pounds. So, if you think about it, best baby ever.

We've been adjusting. We've been learning how to live our new life, learning how to fit in our new person and our new responsibilities, and how to do life now. And I guess, I found that transitioning was just a little easier with some extra padding. I need it for protection. The world is a dangerous place.

But now we're over 4 months in, the holidays are winding down, and we're starting our new year off as a family of 6. Still learning. Still adjusting. Still changing. But it's time to take the training wheels of self-indulgence off. It's time for me to work a little harder, and to get back in shape.

We're having our last family Christmas celebration of the season tomorrow, and I have 8 more presents to wrap before bed tonight.  Also, for all my hard work with the present-wrapping and the joy-providing, I intend to reward myself. I will eat and drink and be oh so merry. I'll check in on January first with some starter picks, the official jumping off weight, the plans for change and I'm sure more than a few tears and WHY OH WHY DID I EVER LET IT GET THIS BAD!?! but I have a few more days of indulgence to go, so I'm not there yet. Because there's this new thing I learned this year: Sometimes you can even just get fat on purpose.

Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Merry Christmas, friends. Indulge, rest, love, and joy all over the place. Because by the end of this week, ladies and gents, it is GO time. But for right now, I'm gonna go Christmas a lil bit more.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

All Done! Day 1!

Today is Day 22 of my 21 Day Fix!  Today is a happy day, because today is RESULTS day. Eep!

It has been rough! Not horrible, none of it is horrible, and I've learned good things and am probably a generally healthier person for having been through this. But still, I'm chubby because I'm lazy and I like to eat things. This past 3 weeks have been different. So there ya go.

So, LET'S GET TO IT!! The measurements:
21 Days:
10 inches lost. 
7 pounds lost.

Also, it's not on here, but I like lower belly measurement, because it's my least favorite body part. Well, the mannish app version of me doesn't accept that measurement, so I'll just tell you. It was 38.5, it is now 36.5. So there ya go. Not so bad.


Smaller arms. That's apparent. And the belly. Can you tell? It's smaller too.

Also, smaller face! You don't take any measurements of your face, probably because other peoples aren't quite as cheeky as myself so don't consider it a prime place for weight loss, but check it out! Smaller face!

There is something very crooked about my body. I'm going to have to look into that.

I was looking through the pictures and I felt like, well, it's different, it's better, but despite what Autumn the crazy exercise dictator asserted, even though I gave her 21 days, I'm not going to lie and say this is the body I WANT. I'm closer. I'm 21 days closer, but not THERE yet.

But then I looked again, and I noticed something and I thought, oh man, I HAVE to show them this. SO here you go, it's

Can you see that?! It's A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BUTT. All freakin perky and chipper looking. And in case you were curious, yes, I already told my husband I was going to do this. 

Me: "SHANE COME HERE AND LOOK AT THIS!"
Him: "What?"
Me: "I'm putting together my before/after pictures and OMIGOSH I FOUND SOMETHING! LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT MY BUTT."
Him: "Yeah..."
Me: "IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT! IT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BUTT!!"
Him: "Yeah! It's good."
Me: "... I think I'm going to put my butt on the internet now."
Him: ...
Actually no, he didn't say a whole lot of things at that point. Weird.

So that's it, my first round of 21 fix done. Today was Day 1 again because my after pictures aren't quite after enough yet. So bubbly water cheers to another great 3 weeks!

Oh and last but not least, Crazy Exercise Dictator keeps saying that we should post our favorite yoga pose. So I thought I'd finally play along:


It's my personal modification on Corpse Pose. And more realistic, I think.

G'night friends! Tomorrow is Day 2, wooHOO!!


Saturday, July 25, 2015

19 Days and Counting!

I didn't want to, guys. I was exhausted and the kids were already in bed and I'd just recently eaten dinner and I did NOT want to do it.

But I did it.

And then I cried without tears for just a minute. And now drinking water makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.

But guys, I did it.

And I want to say that some days, that's good enough. But truth? I think maybe that's the BEST. Because exercise is easy when it's easy. It's pleasant when you want to do it. But when every ounce of you screams to please please flop onto the couch? That's when it really counts. That's when you're not giving in to your sad lazy self. That's when you know you're making a difference. (This is when you should picture me, standing on top of our ottoman, gazing wistfully off over my right shoulder while a towel-cape drapes down my back, blown softly by a very mysterious breeze.  You got the image? Good. Then we may continue.)

This week has had more "don't wanna" than "wanna" days for me. The last slide to day 21 has had an unusually large number of bumps in it. Many of those rough days were enhanced by work and life occurrences, lots of surprises, some great, some less than. But the point here is that I DID IT EVERY FREAKING DAY AND NOW IT'S ALMOST DONE. Woohoo!

Beginning of this week, I bought myself a present, because of masochism, I suppose.
8 pounders, so that I officially have something to call my "heavy" weights. Week 2, I thought arm day was easy. Week 3, arm day made me cry. But just to make me feel worse about myself, my 5 year old skin -and-bones daughter has started using 5 pound weights as her heavy weights (her Barbie dolls are her light weights, everybody saw awwwwwww). But anyway, I'm looking down at my tiny little pipsqueak of a daughter doing her variation of the same moves as me, using weights that are each only 3 pounds less than the ones I'm using and... geez. It's about time I crank it up.

Doggy dog doesn't like when we exercise.  All that excited movement going no where seems to drive her into a tizzy. Also, that blue thing there used to be her ball. Also also, cutest dog you've ever seen, right? I thought so.

Anyway, back to it. I've cheated a bit, I'll be honest. Little bit last weekend, little bit yesterday. However, I think, I never cheated TOO bad. I walked into it with eyes open, and tried to make good choices around the bad ones. And honestly, there was maybe a nice thing about the cheats: I'm learning how to LIVE this diet. I'm learning how to incorporate a bad meal, a singular dessert, or a bad day, and not turn it into a gorging, lazy week slash life.

And also? The weight is coming off.  It's noticeable and I know that because I'm choosing to wear some clothes that normally freak me out. And those clothes don't freak me out so much anymore. And I feel good about that. (There goes that towel cape again.)

And then there's this thing where I keep showing everyone my muscles. And yes, I'm aware that this makes me look like a 3 year old, but sometimes, maybe, toddlers have the right idea about things. And really, you should see my muscles.

2 days to go friends! This can be done!



Friday, July 17, 2015

I declare today, a holiday. HAPPY SEXY ARM DAY!

SOOOOOO for my exercise/weight loss group today, we were asked to post a flex picture. I was not looking forward to this suggestion. I am not happy with the flabby, thick nature of my arms, or the lackluster showing of muscles.  But I did it just the same because hey, I am a SPORT.

And then I suddenly felt amazing and needed to tell the whole internet about it.

Why?

Because this was my right arm, 11 days ago....


And this was my right arm today.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I mean, I thought my arms were feeling a little less wobbly than normal, but dang it all that is AMAZING. 11 days of diet, 11 days of exercise, and my arm is practically unrecognizable.  There's this bulge on my forearm, just above the elbow. I was wondering what this flabby lump was all about, so I flexed my arm again and poked at it. Guys, it's just another muscle. I didn't even know I had that muscle. Added bonus, I'm running out of flabby lumps!!

So today, I have 3 thoughts for you:

1- Guys, take "before" pictures. I know nobody likes to do it, no one wants to take pictures when you feel super grosky, but I promise you, a little bit of freaking work and you'll love yourself for doing it. I mean as of today, I've still only lost a bit over 2 pounds. That's not very encouraging. You know what IS encouraging? My ridiculous, butt-kicking MUSCLES.

2- I am officially over half way done with the 21 Day Fix, but I am not even close to done with the 21 Day Fix. The diet is switching me to good habits with eating regularly, healthy foods spread throughout the day. It doesn't feel like a diet, it feels like, what we should've all been doing  all along. I'm sure I'll add in occasional cheats after this first round is done, but it's a lifestyle that I'm not looking to walk away from.

And then lastly we're on to...

3- and this is the worst, but I'm actually enjoying the exercise. I know, I hate me right now a little bit too, and it took a good week of hating everything, but the soreness has diminished, I'm getting better at the moves, and I guess I'm getting that endorphin rush or something because it just makes me feel good. Which makes me want to do it more. Which is why I'm also going for a run or a walk with the family almost every night.

So that's my day 11 update. Happy to be having a good mood moment to ride me into the weekend, because there's something about a weekend that just makes dieting feel a liiiittle extra depressing. Happy Friday, all, live long, prosper, and what not. 

I don't know why Spock never added the what not. 

And oh yeah. Welcome to the gun show, ladies and gents. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Week 1 results and a NEW THING!

So, today is day 9 of 21! I haven't done the work out yet, and it's not even noon, so I can't say 'YAY 9 DAYS DONE!!' like I would like to, but that is OKAY. 8 days done. Woo.

Yesterday, I did not tell you what for, but today I shall. Yesterday was my official 1 week weigh in and measurements stuff. So. So so. One week in, I weighed 153.6, meaning I have lost:

I made a graphic. To make it more exciting.
Chevrons make things more exciting, I've heard.

I feel like the inches are more impressive than the poundage at this point. I'm assuming this is due to regaining muscle mass that had atrophied due to supreme laziness. But that is the point of measurements. Less than 2 pounds is less than encouraging. The other stuff feels better.

IN OTHER NEWS....

Our family got a new addition this past weekend. And it is due to a story. So here you have it: A story.

Once upon a time circa 2008, my brother and I acquired for our mother, a dog.  A snuffly, wiggly little pug named Oliver. Whom she loved, except for 2 things. 1) He was a little excitable around the children, who were more than a little anxious about his snarly, growly, angry sounding breathing, and 2) He had a tendency to get out of the back yard.

So although Oliver the Pug was loved and cared for, about a year ago, he got out, and was not found. Not picked up by the SPCA, never ever discovered. It was decided that he was either taken by another family, or he had met his end. Sadness. 

After some months, our mother acquired a new puppy, a mutt dog who my daughter named Paws. That puppy, now 6 months old, has become a beloved animal to my children.

Friday evening, my mom got a phone call. From a police officer. 

We have your dog, he says. 

Oliver, the little world traveler, had not met his end after all. We can assume he may have been taken by another family, when he once again used his Houdini inspired powers of escape, and found himself grabbed and scanned by the Po-po.

So mother calls us. 

Would you like a dog?

Seems 2 dogs felt a little intense and unexpected, and since our kids had made such a close bond with the new pup, we decided to bring her home.  And that's how we got this new little addition to our home.

I got these pictures after the kids had played the dog within an inch of her life, and she finally collapsed, attempting to nap.

However....
brothers are annoying.

Girly Pants LOVES her new dog. Because, she says, Paws is HER pet. Which is fine with me, because it is also HER responsibility to pick up poop. Everyone's happy.
Luvies <3

 Added and unexpected bonus to having a dog: she eats the food crumbs the kids spill almost before they hit the floor. Paws has SIGNIFICANTLY reduced the amount of times I need to sweep the kitchen floor every day. Which makes her, of course, my new favorite person.

So g'day, Folks! And for those of you in this challenge with me, or who have mentioned you're on the weight loss journey too, keep it up! You're awesome! And IT'S WORTH IT!!


Monday, July 13, 2015

Day 7... Time to talk about food!

Yesterday...

Day 6:

5:30am—Got up to do the Dirty 30 workout before church, felt like a superhero.

7:00am-- Told my husband that I felt AMAZING and was doing better and feeling better, even on less than average sleep. Planned to be up at 5:30am every day for exercise. 

7:10am-- Contemplated what color my cape should be. Decided on Aquamarine.

10:30am—Felt like a lead footed coma patient who was being asked to walk around like a regular human.

12:00pm—Had to watch and smell other people eat pizza while I had a salad with a half serving of chicken, 1 1/2 tablespoons of dressing, skip the cheese. Decided there should be some sort of bonus award for this kind of restraint.

12:30pm—Hoped the award would be pizza…

2:30pm—Passed out on couch. Never to move again.

 So, that was most of yesterday. In the end I also did my weekly grocery shopping trip

I keep wanting to talk about food. I mean, always, yes, I want to talk about food. You don't get chunky if you don't have some pretty serious feelings about food.  But this is different. I want to talk about healthy food.

UGH. Emirite?

I’ve been having mixed feelings about my food choices during this program. At the beginning, all my feelings were positive.
I’m always full!  These foods are actually good! YAY FOR HUMMUS!

So for an example of some of my eatings:
This is my favorite breakfast. 1 serving of nonfat Greek Yogurt, 1 serving of fresh berries.

This is my favorite lunch. A 6-inch whole wheat tortilla with hummus and an assortment of fresh lettuce and vegetables. It looks weird because once upon a time it was an 8-inch tortilla, but that was two inches too big, so it got downsized.

This is my to go pack version of the same lunch. This is how I avoid fast food on work days.

This is one additional breakfast, that was also pretty awesome. Although I prefer cold breakfast to hot I think, 2 eggs, sautéed peppers and onions, fresh cilantro and tomatoes, was also a good way to start the day.

So the point is, real food. Decent food. Small changes have been made, homemade vinegrette instead of bottled soy or teriyaki sauce, mashed cauliflower instead of mashed potatoes, brown rice instead of white, and of course, watch those portions!

But,
this past weekend… I’m gonna admit it. I was grumpy.

Soooo grumpy. I mean, I’m not naturally prone to coolness and popularity, but this past weekend, even I didn’t want to be my friend. I tried to put one of those “Kick Me” signs on my back, but I’m still pretty sore from all the exercising so it wasn’t as effective as I’d hoped. But still. Kick Me.

I have discovered, I think, that once again, I was my own Grandpa. No. Enemy. I always mix those up. I was my own Grand-Enemy, in that, even though I was doing the right exercise and eating the right foods, I may not have been eating the right foods in the right way. Ooooooooooh. By this I mean, I was really lazy about getting food the last few days, and didn’t eat much of anything before noon. So food gets pushed into the evening, I’m skipping proteins, and feeling exhausted and oh so very terribly grumpy all day long.

Or maybe I’m just getting my period. 

Probably one of those.

Oh, one last thing. This year’s Root Vegetable Weight Lifter of the Year competition goes to…..

Arnold Schwarzen-tubber!
Sylvester Spud-llone!
...
Jean Claude Van Yam!!!

Yep. That's it. That’s the one.

Rumor has it he juices.



Thursday, July 9, 2015

Time Out for GENIUS

Today is Day 3 of 21. The workout went far better than expected. Today was my first day with thoughts of "I wish I could eat ______". I think I got a little bummed out when

1- My weight which had dropped 2 full pounds by the end of Day 2, jumped back up 1.5 pounds,
and
2- Friend of mine, (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), told me that she's at the end of this same challenge, enjoying it, but hasn't lost an ounce.

And between those two things, I became suddenly a little down, a little fatalistic. HOWEVER. That's not helping. I shall not allow the evil brain to come back and convince me to stop trying and to dive almost literally back into the cookie jar. No, Evil Brain. NO.

But time out. Because Guys? I totally invented a Pinterest.

So one problem that I'd been having since I've been doing breakfast shakes, is that I try to drink them in my awesome mason jug thingy, as seen here:
 

and then I inevitably gunk up the straw with kale flecks or powdery shake stuffs, and then I get skeeved out and never want to use it again.

The question "how can I make my reusable drink mug actually reusable?" has plagued me for years. YEARS I tell you.  Which is sad, really, when the answer was lying around my house the whole time.

I can't take it anymore. I have to tell you. It's yarn. YARN! My favorite thing has a new use!

Look at me! I'm a genius!!
I know that you get it already, but other people who figure stuff out get to list steps. I wanna list steps. So ehem.

All you have to do is:

1) Drop a thin strand down side till it emerges from the other end (if it doesn't want to go, you can kind of blow on it. That worked for me.)
2) Add water and some dish soap
3) Hold the ends of the yarn in one hand, the straw in the other, and just pull it top to bottom while slowly rotating the straw. The course fibers are awesome little scrubbers, and within no time, your nasty skanky gross out straw is so fresh and so clean clean!

I like Bubbles.

If anything, I'm a little annoyed that it took me this long to properly clean out all my water bottle straws. I mean, there is no substance more plentiful in my home (besides, maybe, cracker crumbs) than yarn. I could knit my whole house a sweater if I wanted to. I'm saying I've got a problem. So you see, the solution that evaded me for so long was right under my nose... or rather, in the ottoman under my feet... and in a tub under my bed, and a little hiding in the hatbox in my bedroom closet.

Well, that's really all I've got for you tonight, Folks. But if this little piece of genius isn't enough for you, then, you've got some real problems, my friend. The first of which being ridiculously high expectations for this blog.

Now, I'm off to go use my powers for Good, and find what other dilemmas that Yarn and I can solve tonight!*

*This is the part where I was going to create for myself a superhero called Yarn Man or Yarn Girl or something like that and then I thought, wait a minute, duh, the internet exists. And also, apparently, so does Yarn Man, copyright someone else.

Don't string him along, he's YARN MAAAAN!!!!!!!
 I can only assume this is Yarn Man's sidekick: The Crochet Kiiiiid!!!!!
My superpowers are Cannabis!

Goodnight Kids!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Holy Hamstrings, Batman!

Oh. My Body. My poor, sad, Body. I’m so sorry, Body, you didn’t do anything to deserve this. I promise I didn’t mean to hurt you.

It would seem, Friends, that I am wickedly and unforgivably out of shape. You know how I keep saying I go running every now and again? Well, I’m not lying, but I’m apparently it's the saddest most pathetic excuse for running you've ever seen. Like a slightly mobile nap, or something. How long has it been since exercising made me feel like I might throw up? Well, at this point not that long, because it was today, and then before that, it was yesterday. But before THAT… I don’t know. Forever.

I knew this was going to be bad when, immediately after the work out, and then all day long, my legs felt shaky and sore. I tried to stay up, running in place while cooking or unloading the dishwasher, and we went for a 2 mile walk in the evening but alas, I woke up today and every inch of my body below the neck and above the ankles hurts. Oooooh how it hurts. But just the same, Guys, I DID IT. I got up at 6:30 and I did day 2 of 21 (or day 2 of the rest of my life if their insidious plan works as intended), and it was super painful, but painful in a different way, and I’ll be in more pain tomorrow. And there will be evening, and there will be morning, the third day.*

*That was a little bit of Bible I just threw at you. But it was about God creating the universe, and I made it about me trying to be not so fat. So yeah. Pretty much the same thing.

Today was Upper Body Make Your Arms And Torso Cry for Mercy Day. Or something like that. All of the exercises with the weights for me were the easiest, which is probably an indicator that I should switch out my 5 pounders for some 8 or 10 pound weights, but well, leave me alone. Mama needs baby steps. Because 60 seconds of pushups after a million other exercises and showing up sore in the first place and it’s still only 6:45 in the morning and I’d really like another hour of sleep thank you much… terrible. Juuuust terrible.

Oh, and also, tonight after work I made the hugely ill-informed decision to go for a short run to “loosen  up my soreness”. Well, the run instead turned into an awkward sort of waddley stomp-walk, think, if Frankenstein tried to go for an evening jog. And also, now I can’t move at all.


Here’s hoping I get out of bed in the morning!

Monday, July 6, 2015

21 Days Until...

Awesome, I hope. Like, REALLY FREAKIN AWESOME.

SO. Officially dieting again (starting tomorrow, per usual), but this time, guys, I MEAN it.  Although I did pretty stinking great this last week, going down from 159.4 last Monday to 155.4 today, so shut your mouth, I'm totally awesome already. That's enough out of you.

So let's bright side/dark side where I am today:

Bright Side: 

1) Very glad to see that the sudden increase in weight (::COUGH:: on and off over the last few weeks ::COUGH::) dipped back down after a solid week of running and avoiding after dinner snacking. That was a pleasant discovery.

2) I did my pre-diet grocery shopping trip tonight. It was at least 75% fresh produce. I felt like a dieting super star.
Me.
Also, if you don't know this image, you're too young to read this blog. Go away and like, hit puberty.

3) Although I haven't started the diet yet, it seems like it may have been created by an evil genius. But more on that later.

Dark Side:

1) I took my "starting" measurements today. And let me tell you. Not good, my friends. Really not good. Worst I've seen in over a year, I believe, and that was just because I was losing baby weight.

2) I took my "before" pictures today. And let me tell you. Not good, my friends. Really not ...I feel like I've been here before.

3) I decided to post those pictures here on my blog. So here you go children. This is what Fat Ash (sorry about that. I promised and everything) has become. Again.





So there I am. There is me. Hello Bellybutton! I see you! If I look happy at all it's because I have decided to DO something about it, and doing something is always happier than not doing something.

Now it's time to talk about the Something. I'm not going to advertise it a bunch, mostly because I can't figure out how to make someone pay me to advertise it, but I'm doing the 21 Day Fix through Beachbody. The gist is, 21 days of exercise (30 minutes a pop, I think even I can survive it) mixed with Shakeology, and a pretty basic portion-control based diet. Of course, there are a good amount of things that are on the "no no" list, but they try to keep it broad, try to keep your diet balanced (which I LOVE, no gorging yourself on roast beef, denying all fruits, and calling it a diet), and try to make it simple. You're using small colored tupperware containers to measure out the "size" of your servings, instead of pulling out a food scale or guessing calories. 

And this is why I think it might be genius: They say it takes 21 days to build a habit. So for 21 days, you exercise. And for 21 days, you're not forced to eat something prepared by someone else, you're trained to get in the habit of feeding yourself appropriately. THIS is what an appropriate amount of rice is for me. THIS is how many vegetables I should be eating every day. So although it's sold as a kind of quick fix solution, like, "see what you can change in 21 short days", the true goal is much more insidious. They're trying to get inside your head. They're trying to change you're freaking life. 

I don't know, man. This could be dangerous. I'll keep you posted. 

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