Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Just one more lapse in brain function.

Have you ever felt like maybe your brain was actively trying to sabotage you?  I just don't know who I can trust anymore.

I went to sleep last night (like ya do), and all seemed normal and well and good.  Sometime later, an unknown time later, I found myself in the position of having to complete various small "pick up-y" types of chores.  The last of which being "pick up this glass, and put it on that table over there".  Done. Chore complete.  Except... oh no... why am I wet?  And why is my husband screaming at me?

"What, WHAT is going ON here?!?  WHY?!?!?!?"

"I just... I had to put the cup on the table, but I guess the table was the bed... and it spilled and... oh gosh. Oh gosh. I'm so sorry.  I'll get a towel."

If it took you less than 5 minutes to clue into what was happening, congratulations, your brain is MUCH more compliant than my own.  It seems that last night (I'm blaming this one on Lil' Accidente) my brain was too low on serotonin or melatonin or one of those other important brain chemicals that I was once upon a time required to know the names of (Epinephrine? Nora Epinephrine?).  And apparently the chemical I was missing is the exact one that keeps your body from living out your full dream potential by paralyzing your muscles during REM sleep.  So when I reached for a glass of water, carried it around and then placed it on a table, my un-paralyzed body found the glass of water on my bed side table and relocated it to the center of my bed, directly between myself and my husband.

It was wet.  It was terrifying.

The worst part was that, even upon waking, I couldn't quite grasp that I'd been asleep.  I couldn't answer my shitting-a-brick husband by telling him that I'd simply had a dream that had somehow gone terribly awry.  Instead it was like my brain set me up, then sat back and said, "You did this.  You obviously meant to do this, so now you deal with the consequences."  I was left scrambling to comprehend myself and my outrageous motivations, and apologizing for what seemed to be a pretty serious lapse in judgement.

Now I have to add this.  I know it sounds like this is all an elaborate way to cover up the fact that I probably actually peed the bed.  If a kid came to you with this story you'd call him a liar and immediately change his sheets.  But I promise you, that is not the case.  At least this time.  And as PROOF, I will remind you that I already told you about once when I sort of started to pee in my sleep, so I'm obviously not above telling the truth here. HA.

I feel like I should probably be more apprehensive about going back to sleep tonight.  I mean, if I can do this, then what's next?  Tea service for five?  But alas, I am sleepy, so bed will just the same.  You can bring the crumpets.

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