According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2014 is the year of the Horse. But according to the Chinese Zodiac, I am NOT a horse. I am a Warthog. And this is my year. My sexy year.
Quick side note: When someone, in an attempt to woo you in a bar, asks you for your sign, and you proceed to tell them that you are a Warthog, they no longer proceed to woo you. It seems the Chinese zodiacs have significantly less sexual appeal than the other kind of zodiacs.
Side note to my side note: All of this is a lie. I'm pretty sure no one has ever tried to woo me by asking for my sign, and I spend zero time in bars, and I only pretty recently learned that I am a warthog. I, in fact, have NO idea what would happen if you told someone in a bar that you were a warthog. For all I know, they would totally dig it. Maybe, give it a try sometime.
So back to the point, 2014 is the year of the Sexy Warthog. I will begin this year as a warthog who does not fit into her pants, and end it as a warthog who looks great in size 4 jeans, and who has really nice skin, and hair in only the places that you would want hair on a warthog. In other words, I will get fit and toned. I will dress myself in a way that is both mature and flattering. And I'll put in the effort to make my skin nicer. At age 30, recovering from kid 3, this feels like an admirable, but hopefully not unachievable goal.
Husband says he doesn't know what a sexy warthog would look like.
I told him that pretty soon, he would know. But in the mean time, here's a taste:
Well, that's all for 2013, folks. Tonight, amidst all of the joyous revelry, spend some time reminiscing, and some time hoping and planning. And if you find yourself being wooed at a bar, try out the warthog thing for me. Let me know if it's any good.