After 3 great days of exercise and, let's say, 2 1/2 great days of eating well, I officially weigh more than I have since my baby was born. I'm trying. I'm failing. Fantastically, it seems. So instead of feeling like I'm 4 days into my healthier life, I feel like a big fat fatty who didn't even get to enjoy the journey. Harrumph.
This postpartum process has been a little bit wretched weight wise. A couple weeks after kid 3 was born, I got down to under 169, even with Thanksgiving and company and loads of holiday food. I was pretty optimistic. Today, I'm 9 pounds heavier than I was then. I've exercised 5 days since Jan 2 and I've made some real positive changes in my diet. And it seems that I'm gaining weight.
Well that totally sucks.
I don't really know what the deal is. I'm 30 now, does that really make a difference? Has my body quit after kid 3? Or is my body still hormonally jacked up from having a kid and missing out on too much sleep? Heck if I know. All I can say is that I feel bloated and gross and stupid depressed about the lady in the mirror and this whole "breast feeding makes the weight just melt off" thing... Shut up. I have no idea what you're talking about. Just, shut up.
Dang it's hard not to quit. It's hard not to throw your hands in the air and say "this ISN'T working, I guess I'm just going to live and die a fat chick" and just forget it all.
But I'm not gonna.
Today is not the day I quit and cry into a giant bowl of ice cream and feelings. Today is the day I crank it up. This one goes to 11. Today I remind myself if the words my husband spoke to me 3 1/2 years ago. You'll feel better if you try. You'll only be mad at yourself if you don't. Diet. Exercise. And ask for help from the One who created you.
And once again, that's what I need to do. Today is one of those days where I'll cry out in my weakness. Today I'll do what needs to be done when I don't freaking feel like it. Today, I start again. Again. Again. Again. Today I pray. And order 2 months worth of slim fast bars. And grasp at hope. And yeah, today I blog about how crappy I feel.
Soon soon soon. Soon I'm going to dance. Soon I'm going to show off pictures of a skinnier me, and soon I'm going to run out of the bathroom naked to scream in excitement about a new milestone met. Soon, I'm going to feel happy and healthy and light. Soon, I'm going to fit into my size 4 jeans, and I'm going to feel damn sexy doing it.
Yes, today is a freaking kick in the emotional crotch, and I don't really want to think about how much work there is ahead do me. But you only get tomorrow what you work for today. And soon, I'll remember exactly how good tomorrow feels.