Fat Jeans Skinny Jeans. Jeans Jeans Jeans.

Word of advice: when you're at threat level- "kill yourself" about your own physical appearance, do not, DO. NOT. go shopping for jeans.  Nothing good can come of this.

::Sigh:: so, I bought some new jeans. Friday, after I wrote that post about how craptastic the diet was going, I finally went out and got me some new fat pants. It was horrible. They are not attractive.  I do not look attractive wearing them. But they can button over my bizarrely shaped body, and so I bought them. 

I chose to shop exclusively secondhand for this trip, because I'm not spending real freaking money on a pair of pants that's going to make me sad either way.  Which brings me to my mild frustration: My fat pants cost me 5 bucks. The Goodwill has raised their prices.  Their jeans used to cost like, $3.50, and all of a sudden they're 5 freaking bucks. I know it's still only five bucks, but I didn't want to spend more than I expected on depressing clothing. 

The worst part was that my brain had no idea what size I was. My brain was a size six. I saw the size 6 jeans hanging on the rack and thought, those should do.  Boy was I wrong. I tried on everything from 8 to 18 because I just didn't know.  I was having flashbacks to the ONE worse jeans buying experience I can remember, 7 months after my daughter was born when I was still about 190, but figured it was time to move out of maternity jeans and accept my figure as it was. That trip netted me 2 pairs of size 14 "mom" jeans that still cut in too much at the waist, jeans that I could almost never bring myself to actually wear. Maybe I should've kept them to celebrate how far I'd come.  Maybe I should've kept them because they'd probably fit me right now. But I didn't. I destroyed them immediately. 

I regret nothing. 

So, on to today, my new pants are a size 12 and originally from the Gap and they are still tight around the waist. But they button.  So they'll do. And I simply can't keep wearing yoga pants everywhere for the next month, can I?  No seriously, can I??  No, probably no. 

The trip though, had one unexpected and "yes I'm crazy, I don't care just leave me alone now" highlight. While Goodwilling, I found an exact pair of size 4 jeans that I'd been hunting for, back in the day of skinnier me. Of course I couldn't try them on, I probably couldn't have gotten them much higher than my knees had I tried, but they're the exact smaller version of my size 8 jeans that I FREAKING ADORE. Those jeans were built for my body, I'd swear to it. When I'd lost too much weight to wear them anymore, I went back to Kohls, multiple times, to see if I could find a 4 in them.  I never could. They didn't exists.  But at the goodwill, they DID exist and I was compelled to buy them.  This is my argument against free will. 

So yes, to sum up, I went on a mission shopping for fat jeans and instead I bought goal jeans. But for 5 bucks, a girl can dream, can't she??

Yes. Yes, I think she can.