On my way to losing a marathon!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I'm not crazy, I'm a woman.

Or at least, that's what I'm going with.  Sorry if that insults anyone out there.  Oops.

The other night at around 7:30 I had an unquenchable, undeniable, and unending urge to run to the drug store and grab a pregnancy test.  I'd been feeling spontaneously and intensely nauseous for about 6 days, and once I thought about it, may have also been experiencing a few other symptoms of pregnancy.  And now I had to know.  Immediately.

This is where my husband thinks that I am an insane person.  "If you're pregnant, (which you're not, you complete nut job), you'll be just as pregnant tomorrow.  You can find out that you're not pregnant then."

Psh, what does he know.  He's not in my body, experiencing strange and inexplicable symptoms and just knowing, KNOWING that there may be a tiny life taking root inside of me.  And more than that, knowing that there is absolutely no way I'll be able to sleep tonight with that possibility hanging over my head.

So I bought the test.

And surprise!  I'm not pregnant.

No, we're not trying for a baby quite yet.  Yes, we are using contraception, so I guess the "absolute probability" I had gotten knocked up was... well, less than absolute.  But there's always that CHANCE, right?  And if there's a chance, and peeing on a little stick will give you the ANSWER with 99% certainty within 3 short minutes, how do you not make a mad dash for the drug store?  So mad, in fact, that you forget your purse and only realize when you're half way there and have to go back and get it because, well, pregnancy tests aren't free, and then must drive all the way back to the drug store, while wishing stop lights didn't take so cotton picking long to change, and what's with so many people being on the road all of a sudden at 8 o'clock at night?  So, you get it then.  Good.  How I manage to live at all without testing every morning is absolutely beyond me.

In my life so far, I've taken 1 positive pregnancy test.  In the bathroom at a Borders.  Because I needed to know, and I thought, well, if it's not true at least I can grab a coffee and peruse the books.  I have also taken three thousand two hundred and fifty eight negative tests.  This may be why Shane thinks I'm crazy.  But also, he doesn't know.  Not about THIS time.  And I'd always, always rather know, and be mocked, than continue to exist with the question.

Getting pregnant right now would not be the absolute bestest of the best timing.  If I am able to get a new job I'm trying for, health insurance and maternity leave would kick in and make this whole experience much much better.  But would I be off-the-hook excited to find out I was pregnant again right now? ::Sigh:: Yes.  Always yes.  A thousand times yes.  Because I don't have an angel and a demon sitting on my shoulders.  I have a nice, sensible person on one and that mom who's had like, two thousand children, and counting, or whatever on the other.  "Ashley, if you wait another six months or so, you will be able to get 3 months paid maternity leave and have your healthcare paid for completely." "Madelyn would really love a sibling"   "You don't want to be pregnant during the summer again." "Awww, remember how fun it is to be pregnant??"  "You're still trying to lose a bit more weight first. It makes wonderful sense to hold off for now." "MAKE'UM BABIES!!!!!!"  Yep, it's a tough battle going on inside.

So I guess I just want to see if the baby mama in me has won yet.  Like, has secretly poked holes in condoms or what not.  Because to be honest, I think that's possible.

Now I'm starting to wonder:  Does Costco sell those tests in bulk?  If so, it may be worth thinking about getting a card...

2 comments:

  1. 3,258 tests? ... I should have bought stock. Still may.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's really not the worst idea you've ever had. FYI, I'm partial toward First Response. I feel that Clear Blue Easy is a particularly difficult test to read, as you can see the "pregnancy" line a little even when you're not. :-)

    ReplyDelete

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