Friday, May 13, 2011

Bathing suit season.

Bathing suit season.  Ugh.  HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE.  I haven't gone bathing suit shopping in about 3 years (again, HATEHATEHATEHATE), so I find myself in a place where every one I own is either too big, falling to pieces, or just looks absolutely, body-morphingly-weird on me now.  But summer is approaching, and we're going on our little vacation in a week and a half, and well, I thought it might be time for a new swim suit.

This is the only bathing suit picture I've ever allowed to be seen by anyone ever.  I think it works for me because 1) I'm really tan.  Tan looks skinnier.  And I think the bright white suit even enhances the tan-ness.  2) The picture shows enough to say, "this is me in a bathing suit" while I'm still subtly covering the worst of my belly, and my thighs are completely out of scene.  And 3)  Well, it was my honeymoon. We were snorkeling in Mexico.  Just an awesome day, that I don't mind reliving from time to time.

Now, the bright side is that I currently way a good 5+ pounds less than I did in that picture.  My arm is definitely thicker in this picture than it currently is on my body.  The down sides are that I am now frighteningly pasty everywhere except for my shoulders, and that I've had a kid.  Stretch marks, sagginess.  A general recomposition of the lower abdomen and, for some inexplicable reason, the butt.

It is for this reason that I'm taking a little bit more time and consideration in the choosing of my next bathing suit.  What to wear, what to wear?

First answer, of course, is a one piece.  Why not?  They are the suit made for pale saggy bellies.  Lots of coverage... ish.  Because apparently, my torso is a bit long and my chest a bit high for every one piece I've ever tried on.  Every moment I spend in a one piece has felt like I'm a mere second suddenly and accidentally exposing myself to the masses.  Plus, there's the whole issue with completely undressing to use the restroom that I'm not a fan of.

So one piece is probably out.  And what's society's answer to that?  Why, the tankini of course!  a two piece with nearly the coverage of a one piece!  Who woulda thunk!  It's EXACTLY what they recommend to a lady trying to "cover up a little extra tummy", and for good reason.  I definitely carry all MY extra belly weight up near my rib cage, and not in the lower abdomen, the ONE PLACE most tankinis still show off.  News flash, tankini-inventors:  You're solution to belly fat seems to have been to HIGHLIGHT THE BELLY FAT.  What I need is a reverse tankini: a regular bikini top and bottoms that come up to the bottom of my rib cage.  Now THAT would work for me.

I've considered giving the swim-dress a try, we'll see.  Mostly that feels more like an inappropriately skimpy outfit than a bathing suit, but typically speaking, I'm willing to try anything that they recommend for Plus Sized ladies.  

How is this a swimsuit and not a terrifyingly revealing skanky-club dress?

Last option?  Well, I guess it would be find something I feel comfortable in, one piece, two piece, or twenty eight piece, and just rock it.  Because confidence is sexy, right?  Confidence looks exactly like rock hard abs?  

So off I go later today, store hopping some bathing suit departments.  Hopefully it won't be as terrifying as I'm pretty sure it will be.  Hopefully I can remember that it will look better when I add a little tan-in-a-can.  Hopefully...

Oh boy.

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