1 Year Anniversary!

That's right folks, it has officially been 1 year since this weight loss journey started.  Woo hoo!  Anniversary celebration time!!  Maybe I should take myself out for a nice dinner, or buy me a flower.  That sounds nice.

Okay, so technically I'm almost a week late on this diet-iversary.  Oops.  I promise that once the summer is over and my life gets more normal my blogging (and hopefully my diet) will become part of my life again.

ANYWAY, today is not a day for apologies.  Instead, it is a day for some authentic Jersey-style fist pumping.  Today is the day where I can remember what I felt like 1 year ago.  So follow me back, if you will.  Walk down memory lane with me... :: With a Wayne's World style "Diddloo! Diddloo! Diddloo!"::

August, 2010:  I was sitting in my office at Visalia Youth Services, waiting for another client who skipped our session.  I started wandering around the internet, researching diet plans, reading reviews, and checking prices.  I decided on Slim-Fast, mostly because of the price.  My mother-in-law had been over a few weeks ago, and was telling me about a meal plan she had used to lose upwards of 20 pounds.  She looked awesome.  And I looked like the Michelin man.  And I didn't believe, never really believed, that I could look like myself ever again.  I figured with Slim-Fast, at least it would cut my calories and if (WHEN) I failed at it, I wouldn't feel more depressed for having wasted my money.  I'd just still be fat.

So yeah, suffice it to say, I was kinda depressed.  Add to this the fact that I was having severe, constant back pain.  And terrible allergy symptoms.  And was starting to have regular panic attacks.  Then my brother's wedding was coming.  I'd bought the bridesmaid dress months before, size 14, and it was pretty friggin' tight. I figured I'd lose a lot more weight (my daughter would be nearly 11 months, you can lose TONS of weight by then, right?) but I could just have the fat-lady dress taken in.

Unfortunately, when it was time to have the dress fitted to me, the only "taking in" that had to be done was in the shoulders.  Because you'd think size 14 girls would have bigger jugs than I  had, right?  Go figure.  In FACT, the seamstress highly recommended I invest in some quality "shapewear" just to, you know, "smooth some stuff out".  Translate: "To insure my belly rolls weren't going to bust any seams on this too tightly fitting dress".

"But I swear seamstress lady!  I know the wedding is in 3 weeks, but I'm on a diet!  It'll work, I promise...ish."

And I did diet.  By the wedding, I was almost 10 pounds down, and not busting at the seams of that dress.  At least as much.  

 I'm not saying I wasn't happy here.  I was ecstatic for my baby brother and his gorgeous bride.  I just felt like Gigantor.

 Cute baby didn't like strangers or cameras so much back then.  Note how Mommy's "You'd Totally Think I was Pregnant" belly works as a nice munchkin supporter.  Always a bright side!

 Here you can see what I was up against.  My ridiculously beautiful sister-in-law and her posse.  Geez, I could have at least gotten a tan.  A tan may have helped.  Also, note the shoes.  Best shoes I've ever owned ever.

Yep.  That's my belly and booty.  And yep, it's got loads of shapewear on it.  But there's some level of chub that won't be maintained by spandex.

Now here we are.  1 year later, after loads of prayer, tons of support, and a good amount of complaining about hunger and stupid exercise, I'm right around 45 pounds down.  In an effort to celebrate and make a fair comparison, I've jumped back into the dress for the first time since that day!

Yes, I'd just gotten out of the shower, and no, I was not wearing makeup.  I probably hadn't even brushed my hair, if I'm honest, but my hair is not the feature here. The feature is the fact that I have TWO discernible ankles.

 Even my daughter is excited about it!  "Ta Da!!!"  She was also emphatic about telling me that I looked "Cuuuuute!" She really notices when I wear dresses or skirts.  That's because I never wear dresses or skirts.

 I'm not stretching it. It's not stretchy.  It's just pulled out enough to fit me and, well, probably most of another me.  Or my skinny arsed husband.

 As you can see, I've evidently lost the most weight in my clavicle.  Hellooooooo clavicle.

Measuring tape belt of awesomeness

So there ya go!  Smaller in the body, weirder in the face.  These days, I have very little back pain (I was still built a little wonky, I'll always have a little pain), I almost never feel anxious, and a lot of my allergy problems are gone.  I'm healthier.  And I'm happier.  And I'm totally cool with taking weird, makeup-free pictures of myself because now I have sexier ankles.  Speaking of which, I really need to work on convincing my husband that ankles are sexy.

Well, I'm off, probably to work out again.  These pictures make me want to increase my awesome and NOT my waistline.

Hope you all find a reason to celebrate today!  And if you don't have one, make it up.  Your reasons to celebrate are only limited by your imagination.  I.E. "Woo hoo! It's Grocery Shopping Thursday!!! Time to have a living room parade!"

PSA. No, scratch that, Public Service WARNING.

Hey you.  That's right, you.  Yeah, you, EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW.  I have a favor, of sorts, to ask of you.  Or maybe it's a command.  Or maybe, we'll call it a fair warning.

Anyway, it's this:

STOP SAYING TO MY FACE THAT MY DAUGHTER IS SOOO INCREDIBLY LUCKY TO HAVE HER FATHER'S BODY TYPE.

I get it, okay?  I understand that he is skinny, and she is skinny, and that's just wonderful for the two of them.  But what you're essentially saying is that my daughter really dodged a bullet in that she DOESN'T have MY body.  And while I can't disagree with you on this point, we may be all be missing something here.  I HAVE MY BODY.  It's nice for my dear sweet girl that she doesn't have to go through life looking like ::shudder:: her mother, but unfortunately for yours truly, I DO have to look like me.  And I would really appreciate any help I can get in pretending that this is not such a horrible fate.

I'm pretty sure I've reached my limit on smiling in response to this statement and agreeing that yep, "she's just a little thing" and trying my hardest to live vicariously through my luckylucky daughter and ignore the way I'm being insulted to my face.  And anyway, BEST case scenario, that response just turns me into a crazed stage mother, and then all of a sudden my luckylucky daughter has a pretty serious cocaine habit.

So there it is.  And now that you've all been warned, you should also know that the next person who says this to me is risking a swift-but-intense punch to the face.  But in my defense, come on.  You were asking for it.


Oh right, this was a PSA:

The more you know....

Bathing suit season.

Bathing suit season.  Ugh.  HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE.  I haven't gone bathing suit shopping in about 3 years (again, HATEHATEHATEHATE), so I find myself in a place where every one I own is either too big, falling to pieces, or just looks absolutely, body-morphingly-weird on me now.  But summer is approaching, and we're going on our little vacation in a week and a half, and well, I thought it might be time for a new swim suit.

This is the only bathing suit picture I've ever allowed to be seen by anyone ever.  I think it works for me because 1) I'm really tan.  Tan looks skinnier.  And I think the bright white suit even enhances the tan-ness.  2) The picture shows enough to say, "this is me in a bathing suit" while I'm still subtly covering the worst of my belly, and my thighs are completely out of scene.  And 3)  Well, it was my honeymoon. We were snorkeling in Mexico.  Just an awesome day, that I don't mind reliving from time to time.

Now, the bright side is that I currently way a good 5+ pounds less than I did in that picture.  My arm is definitely thicker in this picture than it currently is on my body.  The down sides are that I am now frighteningly pasty everywhere except for my shoulders, and that I've had a kid.  Stretch marks, sagginess.  A general recomposition of the lower abdomen and, for some inexplicable reason, the butt.

It is for this reason that I'm taking a little bit more time and consideration in the choosing of my next bathing suit.  What to wear, what to wear?

First answer, of course, is a one piece.  Why not?  They are the suit made for pale saggy bellies.  Lots of coverage... ish.  Because apparently, my torso is a bit long and my chest a bit high for every one piece I've ever tried on.  Every moment I spend in a one piece has felt like I'm a mere second suddenly and accidentally exposing myself to the masses.  Plus, there's the whole issue with completely undressing to use the restroom that I'm not a fan of.

So one piece is probably out.  And what's society's answer to that?  Why, the tankini of course!  a two piece with nearly the coverage of a one piece!  Who woulda thunk!  It's EXACTLY what they recommend to a lady trying to "cover up a little extra tummy", and for good reason.  I definitely carry all MY extra belly weight up near my rib cage, and not in the lower abdomen, the ONE PLACE most tankinis still show off.  News flash, tankini-inventors:  You're solution to belly fat seems to have been to HIGHLIGHT THE BELLY FAT.  What I need is a reverse tankini: a regular bikini top and bottoms that come up to the bottom of my rib cage.  Now THAT would work for me.

I've considered giving the swim-dress a try, we'll see.  Mostly that feels more like an inappropriately skimpy outfit than a bathing suit, but typically speaking, I'm willing to try anything that they recommend for Plus Sized ladies.  

How is this a swimsuit and not a terrifyingly revealing skanky-club dress?

Last option?  Well, I guess it would be find something I feel comfortable in, one piece, two piece, or twenty eight piece, and just rock it.  Because confidence is sexy, right?  Confidence looks exactly like rock hard abs?  

So off I go later today, store hopping some bathing suit departments.  Hopefully it won't be as terrifying as I'm pretty sure it will be.  Hopefully I can remember that it will look better when I add a little tan-in-a-can.  Hopefully...

Oh boy.

Noooo!!!

Had an awful surprise this morning when weighing in.  Looks like my personal vacation from dieting has taken its toll, and I was back up to 153.  GAAAHH!!  Shane was happy to point out that he weighed 149.  I get it, you're skinny every single day.  How flippin nice for you.

In the end, this bit of weight gain will probably be a good thing.  I've started getting comfortable with myself in the 140s, and though I hadn't nearly hit my goal weight, I've really been feeling more and more like a skinny person.  Unfortunately, I don't yet know what it is to act like a skinny person.  Because I was getting comfortable, the tiny demon in my brain sounded more and more convincing.  This time, instead of insulting me, it's getting complementary.  "You can afford to indulge a little, look what you've done!"  "You'll be just fine if you don't work out, you're a skinny person now!" "Don't you think you're about small enough?  Here. Have a cookie."

In the end, it's almost terrifying how quickly all of my bad habits can come back.  Bored eating, tired eating, eating more than necessary and indulging on junk may always be my slipping points.  That brought me to another realization.  I'll be on a diet for the rest of my life.

This doesn't mean that I'll never eat another _____ again (insert whatevertheheck, really doesn't matter).  But it does mean that I need to be on top of it forever.  I believe that every fat person has this dream of "finishing" their weight loss journey, by which I mean getting down to their goal weight and then getting to do whatever they want.  I think that's one reason why bariatric surgery is so stinkin popular, and why so many people end up putting the weight back on.  It's hard to know that there's no end in sight to monitoring calories, to restricting portions and avoiding bad foods.  It bites.  But just the same, it's worth it for health, it's worth it for the ability to do more than you'd ever thought possible, and it's worth it to dump all of my size 10, 12, and 14 jeans at a garage sale and know that I never, ever, EVER have to go back there again.

So I picked up 8 boxes of SlimFast bars today, which should get me through the next few weeks.  No more instead ofs, I'm back on 2 bars a day and getting back to my exercise.  It's a pain, it's discouraging, but I want to see the 130s,  and I want to see the 120s.  I know how to get there, so as they say, ain't nuthin to it but to do it!

Because self-respect isn't something I'm too familiar with.

Here ya go:  me in my new size 6 skinny jeans.  Submitted for your approval.  Or your unrestrained ridicule.    It's cool, I can take it.  Also, I'm pretty sure that this will allow each of you to see that yes, I DO in fact look every ounce of my 147 pounds.  The red shirt picture was somehow deceptive and ultra kind.  So no more stalling, pictures posted:

This is what I looked like when I went to work yesterday:

This is NOT what I looked like when I went to work yesterday:

The super long sweater helped hide my thickness, but I thought y'all deserved to see why my college roommates dedicated the Queen song "Fat bottomed girls" to me when I started dating my own "skinny lad".  It's also important to note here that my friends are CRAZY mean.  Who says something like that?  Jerkfaces.

 I like my awkward magazine clothing model pose on the left.  See how long my neck looks?? No.

*Side note:  I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I TOOK THESE LAST TWO PICTURES.  Even more so, I have no idea why I took them and then posted them on the internet.  Apparently, to me, self-disclosure means that you must essentially represent yourself as a crazy person with a Texas-sized backside.  That's right, right?

Anyway, there's the pics, now for the review.  Not bad, decently comfortable, for the most part.  As the day wore on though, I noticed something kind of annoying.  Probably due to all of the sitting, standing, and crouching I insist on doing in my daily life, the jeans did start to bag out a big after the first hour or two.  But not completely.  They got baggy from the knees to the butt, but the calf portion stayed firmly gripped to my legs.  This meant that I was getting a sort of saggy-bunched up look around my knees.  Anyone else noticed this, or is this another "Ashley has a bizarro body" moment?  My guess is that this could be solved by getting jeans with but of elasticity to them, I've noticed they tend to hold their shape better.

However, all-in-all, I really can't complain about the jeans.  I got very enthusiastic "Holy COW you've been losing a lot of weight!" responses from a couple people I work with, and tend to see every week or two.  These people were both men, who also seem slower to notice weight loss than ladies.  Oh, and then while visiting a local high school, one of the secretaries thought I was a student for few seconds before she realized who I was.  (She's another person I see on a weekly basis.)  I could have kissed her on the face.

So, I can't say I'm terribly in love with these jeans yet.  I did feel much more conscious of myself all day, specifically my thighs.  But if for whatever reason, these jeans make me seem extra thin and 10 years younger, well, I may never take them off again.

Because I keep my promises...

I had to make a trip to Target this afternoon.  It seems that it wasn't just a fluke, I have officially dropped from a size 14 to a size 6.  Woo hoo!  And as such, as I'd promised before, today I purchased my first pair of skinny jeans.  I'll have pictures posted for you in the next day or two, again, as promised, so y'all can be the judge of whether or not I'm yet able to rock this uber-fashionista style.  

That brings me to an excellent next point:  are skinny jeans, in fact, still in style?  

I typically live a life on the outskirts, maybe the suburbs, of "stylish dress", I try to present myself decently well without having to A) Purchase a new wardrobe every year. (In fact, these days, most of the clothes I wear are 5+ years old, since those are the ones that fit the best.) and B) Worry that because one season something was very "IN", the next season it will PROBABLY be very "out".  I've purchased a few items, or been given a few items that were supremely stylish during a particular season.  I always felt horribly conflicted later:  I'll feel stupid wearing this, now that "no one" wears this anymore, but I feel cheated out of a perfectly nice dress, shirt, belt, etc.  I still have a 50's-ish Black with pink polka dot spaghetti strap dress with exposed tulle under the skirt that was wickedly in style back in, oh, 2004 or so.  I wore it a few times when it was in style, and probably a few more when others had stopped.  So now it's in perfect shape, and it hangs in the back of my closet with no purpose in life.  I see it, and I'm frustrated, and I don't like to think about it anymore.

So, I avoid buying stylish clothes.  Skinny jeans won me over, not because I'm incredibly impressed by the stylishness of them, they don't seem to have the staying power of straight leg or boot cut jeans, but because, I guess, I CAN wear them.  This chubby girl may, JUST may, be able to pull off a style made exclusively for skinny ladies.

I might be able to pull them off, still need to figure out the how behind that.  I've learned about skinny jeans and stilettos, so I can give that a try.  Apart from that, I'll have to do some research.  I'm also open to suggestions.  And yes, if you're curious, this is how mega-nerds get dressed.  

My assessment of me in the SJ so far is this:  I'm certainly not the body type they're built for.  I put them on and my thighs and booty look, how shall I say, thick.  I do think, though, that they have a really kickin effect on my calves, so that's a balance.  I think, at the very least, with the right top and some decent shoes, I won't look bad in them.  The hubs says he "doesn't believe any one looks good in skinny jeans" but that as far as they go, I look nice in them.  He's such a sweet lil spin doctor. :-)

So there you have it, my next milestone completed.  Only about 10-12 more pounds down from here and I'm at my low end college weight, and about 20 from the lowest I've weighed as an adult. (I was 20 then, and it took going to Japan to accomplish that feat.)  

Oh, and 7 weeks from tomorrow till we leave on our anniversary trip!  Bikini body, don't want to scare you off, but you have exactly 7 weeks to show up out of nowhere!!  Good luck!