Slight encouragement, new goals.

I made a couple of realizations between yesterday and today, and oddly enough, they have been positive and a little awesome.  As of yesterday, I am 26 weeks pregnant.  Not only 26 weeks pregnant, but 26 weeks pregnant with a belly measuring closer to 30 weeks.  Apparently my little guy (who is NOT measuring 30 weeks) needs lots of space in there for all of his dancing.

Anyway, here's the bright side (since been EXCEPTIONALLY large is certainly not the positive news): I've actually lost a couple of pounds this week.  No, I'm not trying to.  No, I'm not starving myself and putting my child in danger.  But I have been eating a little less this week, and I've been a good deal more active.  Finally, FINALLY, over the holiday slump, I'm getting a bit back to normal.  So instead of 172, this morning's scale proclaimed a dainty 169.

Okay, so maybe not dainty, and if you're curious, it's a good 15 pounds MORE than the hubs these days (the skinny jerk), but after bustin through the 160's in roughly 5.2 seconds, it was encouraging to see that number again.  OOH! And I haven't even told you the best part:

About a week shy of 3 years ago, when I discovered I was carrying my first little bundle of joy, I weighed about 2-3 pounds more than I do today.

So, you know. Booyah.

From roughly today's weight, I gained an additional 40ish pounds, to land finally at around 210.  If I gain 20 pounds from now, and then lose 20 right after the baby is born (which is what experience taught me happens), then my next big weight loss journey will begin around 170. Not, I repeat, NOT 190.  But also, if I can manage to restrain myself and gain closer to 10 more pounds over these next 14 weeks, then I can start my journey at only 160.  For my height, 160 pounds is 5 pounds overweight.  That's it.  So I guess what I'm saying is that, if I can manage to go easy on my food intake over the next 3 months, I might be able to wear tank tops this summer.

And no, if you're curious about this, I am not freaking gonna exercise.  I've tried it a few times and every single time I get painful contractions after, which the doctor says is normal since this is my second child but I believe is God telling me that I should not be attempting to bounce my giant self around all day and instead, should probably take more naps.  God's all about more naps. I'm sure of it.

Anyway, weight-wise I was a little give-upy when I signed in on Monday, so I thought I'd be a little more encouraging today.  Happy Friday everyone, and remember what God says about naps.  They're awesome.

Happy New Year (And 2 weeks)!!!!!

Recently, I've had this same experience repeated maybe, 4... or 5... or 6 times.  I said something that was (cross my heart, hope to die) said in total innocence, to people I care about, and I somehow managed to offend someone.  Againandagainandagain.  Once, it seemed to have happened 3 times in the same day.  And the last time it happened, I got yelled at, and couldn't think of a way to explain myself.  So now I feel embarrassed and ashamed and afraid of who else I might hurt so I'd rather just talk to my husband because he's been my best friend for almost 9 years and even if I do hurt his feelings I really think that, at this point, he can take it.  So this tongue tied-ness has expanded, and I've avoided most of the internet except for twitter, because really, what damage can even I do with only 140 characters?  Dear Lord, I hope it's not a lot.  I have been thinking about this blog, and I think about saying something, and I get nervous and scared and decide, that it's probably best to remain silent and be assumed a jerk than to open my mouth and remove all doubt.  That's from the Bible.  Or some president or something.  I'm pretty sure that's right.  Anyway, the point is that I really, really, really don't want to hurt people's feelings.  You crazy bunch of jerks.

:-O

Okay, now that I got the insults out of my system (because maybe it's better to know exactly how I'm being insulting then doing it purely by accident) I can get on to my second reason for not writing here lately.

Basically, it's that I'm not funny anymore.  Was I funny before?  That, my dear, is a fair question which I will not answer because it hurts my feelings.  But what i can say is that I tried.  A bunch.  I wanted this blog to be light hearted and feel good and relatable.  But lately, everything I can think to say is deep and hard hitting and probably (experience dictates) highly insulting.

But for my first (albeit, terribly belated) post of this 2012, by the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!, I'd like to make note of some new years goals I've got happening:

1) Memorize the book of John.  I've forgone reading through my Bible this year and decided to focus on committing this one book to memory. So far, I'm at John 1:34, and it's hard, and it's kind of awesome.  Focusing on a lot more of the words that I might have skimmed right through before.  I can't recommend it till I've done it, but I'll keep you posted on my progress.

2) Stay below 190 for this pregnancy.  No easy feat, considering I'm already at 172 as of this morning.  The pounds have been coming on quick the last few months, and I foresee a great deal of Slim Fast and exercise in my future.  Ah well, weight loss stories are just the most fun things ever, right?

3) See the underside of 140 before 2013.  I got into the 140's this past year.  I never thought I'd see them again.  This year, I'd like to push that even farther.

4) Run to my mom's house again.  It's right around 13 miles away, and though I probably won't do another official half marathon, for a while at least, I want to run that much again soon.  And faster.

5) Cash flow the baby and pay off my next lowest student loan.  We budget now, and we're working Ramsey's "debt snowball", which has just recently finally started to roll.  The downside to having nothing BUT student loan debt is that we have no "little" debts.  We have big chunks of debts that are thousands of dollars each, and take a lot of pushing.

6) Get an Iphone.  Totally disagrees with my last point, I know, but they look like phone.  And my Ipod is crapping out on me, so I think it's time for a replacement anyway, if you think about it.

So that's where this year is, and those are some of the things you can look forward to reading about in the future.  Also, sorry if I start ranting about things like this generation and solid theology and the Church, because that's bound to happen to, unless I find a more appropriate place to empty my brain of all of these thoughts.  But if I do, I'd love some conversation, and some stone cold argument on anything if it's deemed necessary :-)

Hope you're all doing well, and keeping up with some things YOU'VE resolve to this past few weeks!

Special Day, Completely Overlooked. Oops.

It seems that in all the excitement of 11-11-11, I overlooked the reason that the day was special for me.  And really, special for all of us.  Because yesterday, AEISY turned 1!!

Woohoo!!  Happy Birthday An Exercise in Spinning Yarn!!!  My my how you've grown.

In celebration, I went back and read my first post.  I initially created this puppy to give me some accountability.  I wanted to start living more on purpose, to get more accomplished, to change my life and myself for the better.  I was happy to have that year's worth of perspective, I gotta say I think things are moving in a positive direction.

And I'm going to keep the blog going.  If for no other reason, in 6 months I'll need to start up weight losing again, and talking about it makes me feel good.  I'm certainly not going to put it off so much this time.  I don't know if you noticed, but I'm generally averse to dieting over the holidays, and I'd rather not have to calorie count too severely over Christmas 2012.

So as an update, here are my 1 year old blog stats:

Posts: This one makes number 124

Comments on Posts: 77.  Although technically, most people just comment on my facebook page instead, so this number isn't entirely accurate.

Pageviews: 5,320

Official "willing to admit to it" Followers: 20

So not bad, I guess.  Maybe not great, I'm really not sure.  I don't know anyone else gets in terms of blog stats, except that I know a few special people get an income from doing this and I most certainly haven't found a way to make that happen.  Nuts.

So cheers, my dear, faithful readers.  And here's to another year, and to better content, and to becoming internet famous and finding weird ways to make lots of lots of money and quitting your day job.  And I, for one, will be happy with at least one or two of those.

HAPPY AEISY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Hey now!

It seems I have this really insightful sister-in-law.  So insightful, in fact, that even from multiple states away, she was able to pick up on the maybe not-so-subtleties of my behavior changes.  Ashley's not blogging these days.  Why?

OBVIOUSLY, she's pregnant.

Yep, that's 5 points to you, Katie, for realizing that I COULDN'T blog over the past week and a half, mostly because I was too afraid I would fall into a long stream of ITHINKI'MPREGNANTITHINKI'MPREGNANTITHINKI'MPREGNANTITHINKI'MPREGNANTITHINKI'MPREGNANT.

And I wasn't going to blog about it before my family knew about it.  Or at least, for heaven's sake, until I knew about it.

So there you have it, the reason that A) I haven't been blogging as much, and B) I haven't been weight-losing at all.  See the deal is, we started trying to have a second baby about 5 months ago.  With our first, it was immediate.  Within a blink, faster than you could say, "hey maybe we should start trying for a baby", we had one.  It was awesome, and I assumed, indicative of highly predictable pregnancies to come.

In April, we started trying to have a baby, and I stopped trying to be skinny.  I assumed I'd be pregnant within 5 minutes and any efforts I made would be completely wasted.  Also, I LOVE excuses to stop working out.  And anyone who wants to tell me that you "should still work out during pregnancy!" can bite my butt.  Well that was my excuse for the first few months, and after that, I guess I was just out of practice.  And frustrated that things weren't working as quickly as I thought they should.  Which is to say, I never knew you could feel so absolutely pissed off about having to buy a box of tampons.  The more you know, huh?

Anyway, with all that said, be prepared for a new flavor around this blog, weight gain progress, giant belly pics, and tales about all the times I've cried that day.  (Yesterday it was FOUR!)  You  know, the kind of stuff that will make you feel MUCH better, and way sexier about yourself.  That is my 9 month long gift to you.

Oh, and P.S.- Do you like my drawing?  I really am kind of proud of it, I'm thinking of forgetting everything else and making this a place to exhibit my art.  Let me know if you'd like an original print, I can design something especially for you.  We'll bang out a price later.

1 Year Anniversary!

That's right folks, it has officially been 1 year since this weight loss journey started.  Woo hoo!  Anniversary celebration time!!  Maybe I should take myself out for a nice dinner, or buy me a flower.  That sounds nice.

Okay, so technically I'm almost a week late on this diet-iversary.  Oops.  I promise that once the summer is over and my life gets more normal my blogging (and hopefully my diet) will become part of my life again.

ANYWAY, today is not a day for apologies.  Instead, it is a day for some authentic Jersey-style fist pumping.  Today is the day where I can remember what I felt like 1 year ago.  So follow me back, if you will.  Walk down memory lane with me... :: With a Wayne's World style "Diddloo! Diddloo! Diddloo!"::

August, 2010:  I was sitting in my office at Visalia Youth Services, waiting for another client who skipped our session.  I started wandering around the internet, researching diet plans, reading reviews, and checking prices.  I decided on Slim-Fast, mostly because of the price.  My mother-in-law had been over a few weeks ago, and was telling me about a meal plan she had used to lose upwards of 20 pounds.  She looked awesome.  And I looked like the Michelin man.  And I didn't believe, never really believed, that I could look like myself ever again.  I figured with Slim-Fast, at least it would cut my calories and if (WHEN) I failed at it, I wouldn't feel more depressed for having wasted my money.  I'd just still be fat.

So yeah, suffice it to say, I was kinda depressed.  Add to this the fact that I was having severe, constant back pain.  And terrible allergy symptoms.  And was starting to have regular panic attacks.  Then my brother's wedding was coming.  I'd bought the bridesmaid dress months before, size 14, and it was pretty friggin' tight. I figured I'd lose a lot more weight (my daughter would be nearly 11 months, you can lose TONS of weight by then, right?) but I could just have the fat-lady dress taken in.

Unfortunately, when it was time to have the dress fitted to me, the only "taking in" that had to be done was in the shoulders.  Because you'd think size 14 girls would have bigger jugs than I  had, right?  Go figure.  In FACT, the seamstress highly recommended I invest in some quality "shapewear" just to, you know, "smooth some stuff out".  Translate: "To insure my belly rolls weren't going to bust any seams on this too tightly fitting dress".

"But I swear seamstress lady!  I know the wedding is in 3 weeks, but I'm on a diet!  It'll work, I promise...ish."

And I did diet.  By the wedding, I was almost 10 pounds down, and not busting at the seams of that dress.  At least as much.  

 I'm not saying I wasn't happy here.  I was ecstatic for my baby brother and his gorgeous bride.  I just felt like Gigantor.

 Cute baby didn't like strangers or cameras so much back then.  Note how Mommy's "You'd Totally Think I was Pregnant" belly works as a nice munchkin supporter.  Always a bright side!

 Here you can see what I was up against.  My ridiculously beautiful sister-in-law and her posse.  Geez, I could have at least gotten a tan.  A tan may have helped.  Also, note the shoes.  Best shoes I've ever owned ever.

Yep.  That's my belly and booty.  And yep, it's got loads of shapewear on it.  But there's some level of chub that won't be maintained by spandex.

Now here we are.  1 year later, after loads of prayer, tons of support, and a good amount of complaining about hunger and stupid exercise, I'm right around 45 pounds down.  In an effort to celebrate and make a fair comparison, I've jumped back into the dress for the first time since that day!

Yes, I'd just gotten out of the shower, and no, I was not wearing makeup.  I probably hadn't even brushed my hair, if I'm honest, but my hair is not the feature here. The feature is the fact that I have TWO discernible ankles.

 Even my daughter is excited about it!  "Ta Da!!!"  She was also emphatic about telling me that I looked "Cuuuuute!" She really notices when I wear dresses or skirts.  That's because I never wear dresses or skirts.

 I'm not stretching it. It's not stretchy.  It's just pulled out enough to fit me and, well, probably most of another me.  Or my skinny arsed husband.

 As you can see, I've evidently lost the most weight in my clavicle.  Hellooooooo clavicle.

Measuring tape belt of awesomeness

So there ya go!  Smaller in the body, weirder in the face.  These days, I have very little back pain (I was still built a little wonky, I'll always have a little pain), I almost never feel anxious, and a lot of my allergy problems are gone.  I'm healthier.  And I'm happier.  And I'm totally cool with taking weird, makeup-free pictures of myself because now I have sexier ankles.  Speaking of which, I really need to work on convincing my husband that ankles are sexy.

Well, I'm off, probably to work out again.  These pictures make me want to increase my awesome and NOT my waistline.

Hope you all find a reason to celebrate today!  And if you don't have one, make it up.  Your reasons to celebrate are only limited by your imagination.  I.E. "Woo hoo! It's Grocery Shopping Thursday!!! Time to have a living room parade!"

Keep on, keepin on.

Mmmmmm, just finished my delicious and totally fulfilling lunch: a Slim-Fast bar washed down with a nice cool glass of ice water.  Man, I am just livin' the life.

So, since reconvening the diet and dropping soda on Wednesday, I've dropped back down from 152 to about 147.  That may seem super fast, 5 pounds in 4 days, but really, it's not.  147 to 151 is my normal range, so losing and gaining within those numbers happens pretty stinkin fast.  Getting below 146 will be the true mark of dieting success, I cannot WAIT to see that happen. I cannot wait to see that happen so much I'm almost willing to chop off 2 pounds worth of chub myself if it refuses to come off on its own.  THAT, my friend, is motivation.

The best part about getting serious again has been the fact that, honestly, it's not been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.  No soda-withdrawal symptoms, no headaches, no shakes, I don't feel like I'm starving to death, and I haven't cried once!  Well, at least, not about the food.  And crying about other things doesn't count.  I haven't been working out as much as I should, strictly speaking, but it's overcast and magnificent today, so maybe I'll go for a run again today.  Seriously.  It's that magnificent.

I have a milestone coming up soon.  On August 6th, it will have officially been 1 year since I began this weight loss journey.  I'd sort of been hoping to hit 50 pounds lost by then, but let's be honest, that's 6 more pounds in 6 days and that's pretty doubtful, unless I just decided to officially stop eating completely, and I like eating waaaay too much for that.  Hence the reason I had more than 50 pounds to lose.  BIG big shock there.

Anyway, be prepared for some reflections on the year and a few new before/currently pictures.  A full year of transformation... that's kind of intense.

Happy Sunday y'all!  Hope you're counting your own blessings today!

I'm back in the Saddle Again!

Well, sort of.  My first day back on the diet was a pretty intense fail, which was at least 75% NOTMYFAULT.  I'm choosing to blame a nice elderly Filipino lady who bought me a cheeseburger (which she later forced into my hands) even though I had insisted that I'd already eaten lunch.  No, she didn't force it into my mouth, I did that part willingly.  But only to be nice.   I didn't enjoy it at all.  I promise.

Just the same, I've had that ol' Gene Autry song stuck in my head for a couple of days.  If you'd like to picture it, know that my inner monologue wears chaps and smokes a really nasty cigarette.  And even though yesterday didn't work out as well as I'd hoped, the game is friggin on.  I'm working out (twice already this week, but a third "very active with the child" day, which I think counts for at least 3/4 point) and I'm going hardcore on the Slim Fast plan again that worked so well for me... when I did it.... throughout this past year.

Oh, and I'm off soda completely.  It's about 38 hours since that last Diet Dr. Shasta, and so far, I'm okay. I'm not sure when the shakes are supposed to start, but I'm ready for it.  I just hope my husband's ready for all the whining and crying.

I'd like to say that it feels great to be back on track, but the best I can say is that it feels a little bit good.  It also feels like deprivation, and like every muscle in my body hurts.  It feels like getting restless leg syndrome at night, because for some odd reason, that gets worse when I exercise.

Apparently I'm seriously out of shape again.  My muscles feel atrophied, I get winded more easily, and my stomach is decidedly poochier. In the last week or so, my weight ballooned up from 147 to 152.  155 is my "healthy weight" limit, and I think I'd like to be farther away from overweight.  I'm back "down" to 150 as of today, so that gives me 15 more pounds, MINIMUM, to lose in the next 70 days.  Totally doable. Right?  Right.

So there we are.  This blog is going to be filled with weight loss updates again the next couple of months, because if I don't tell you, I might just stop doing it.  And stop doing it is not an option.

Hope you have a grab-the-reigns sort of day!

Giddy-Up

The scale just told me I'm fat.  The scale better watch its mouth, or it's going to get a punch in the face.

Coming down from nearly 200 pounds, the 140's have felt pretty stinkin comfortable this summer.  I feel like me.  I feel younger.  I feel healthier and, in general, happier, and less encumbered by my own body.  I haven't hit the goals I wanted to, exactly, but I felt pretty comfortable, and it's hard to keep going when you don't have the motivation to.  Because here's my dirty little secret:  I totally know how to maintain 147 with basically no work.  I don't exercise.  I allow myself to eat veritable crap when I want to eat veritable crap.  I just make sure that once I get closer to 150, I cut back.  I eat 1200 calories for a day or two, I make sure I'm a little more active, and blam-o.  I stay at 147.  Weight maintenance is awesome.  Of course, technically speaking, I'm still about 20lbs over my goal weight, so I really should be so focused on weight maintenance.  Seems I may have skipped a step or 20.  Wups!

Well, it seems something in me has finally snapped.  I'm not feeling so comfortable with myself anymore.  My perspective has changed, I'm not a person coming down from nearly 200 pounds anymore, who may look "pretty good, considering".  I'm a person who has maintained the 140's for months, and only temporarily saw the underbelly of 145 after spending a week being violently ill.  I'm a person with a sad belly button who would like to stop having to adjust her pants in hope of avoiding that inevitable and deplorable muffin top.

I'm not saying I hate my body.  My body ran a friggin 1/2 marathon, and I'm still proud of it.  But just the same, I still want to achieve the best me.

So here's a goal that I'm deciding on as I write it.  I will be 28 years way too old (oooh my, what happened to my youth!!) on October 6th, and I want to, nay, WILL hit 135 by then.  2 1/2 months, about 12 pounds.  If I get my tush in gear, it's totally attainable.

So friends, family, blog friends, keep me accountable.  Ask me if I'm running some more.  Make me feel really bad about that.  Oh, and ask if my belly button is in a better mood, because I think that may be my new personal barometer.

Hope you all have a goal-meeting Sunday!

Today is a Risky Business kind of day

Yeah!  HECK yeah!  WOOwooooWOOOO!  ::Irish Jigging all over the living room::  ::Realizing I have no idea how to do a jig::  ::Sitting back down in an attempt to regain dignity and composure:: Ehem.  Yes.

At the moment, my daughter is in time out.  She woke up at 8, wanting to go outside.  Despite breakfast, play time, and cartoons, she wouldn't give that up.  She said outside. I told her no.  She said outside.  I reminded her I said no.  She brought me her shoes.  I put them aside.  She cried SHOOOOOOEEEES!!  I made her ask for the shoes.  She said peeeeaase. I gave them back.  She cried OUTSIIIIIIIIDE!!!  I said no.  She made snarly-demon face and smacked me.  Then she cried aaaall the way to time out.

Then, I sat down on the couch to do some important morning internet work, only to have the cat bite my hair.  WHY?  Cuz it moved.  And she had decided to sit behind me.

So you may be wondering why I'm in such a good mood?  Well, that's because a couple good diet/exercise/prayer days have helped to move the scale again, and this time in the RIGHT direction.  I know I said I was 150 yesterday, but I hadn't actually checked.  In fact, I was only 149 yesterday, and today I was a superduper skinny 147.5.  WOOT!!!  You have no idea what being over 150 had been doing to my brain for the past two weeks.  In that span of time, I managed to decide I really REALLY do want to be back under 140, while at the same time became incredibly defeated, assumed hitting 140 would never again happen, and that I would probably wind up gaining ALL the weight back and being an obese lady forever.  Gosh, it's kind of amazing what a few stupid pounds can do to a person's psyche.

Body's getting better, 145, here I come!!

Kicking the butt of lazy-me

The scale hasn't been moving much these days, but it's not that disheartening.  Mostly because I know exactly why.  My diet is haphazard and my exercise has become a rarity.  The difference between a stagnant scale today and a stagnant scale 8 months ago is that I KNOW why the scale won't move today.  Also, there were 40 some odd more pounds on the scale then, so that makes a bit of a difference too.

Lately I've been battling with illness, other priorities, joint pain, disappointment, disturbing levels of exhaustion, and plain old laziness.  I've got my excuses, of course.  Like today:  I've got my daughter.  My husband doesn't get home until 7 at the earliest on Thursdays.  I've got other work today.  On and on and on and blahblahblah.  But I needed a reality check.  13.1 mile race.  2 weeks and 2 days from TOday.  This is not the time to quit.  I wanted to see myself hit 145 by Easter.  How am I going to do it if I don't keep working?!  So I ran today... in a manner of speaking.  Wii fit, jogging around the living room for 30 minutes.  No, it's not the most intense running experience, but it was getting up, and it was making my body move again, and I must say, it felt awesome.  My whole body feels cleansed and energized and just plain ol' awesome.

I must say I did have a little help, in a little package today.  Madelyn (who refuses to nap today) thought my running in place looked hilariously fun.  So she got down next to me and ran in place calling out "run!" and "fast!"  She ran circles around me and around the room, scrunching her shoulders up to her ears and pulling her knees up more than waist high. (Yes, her form could use a little work, we'll address that later.)  My tiny friend chased me around the room till she collapsed against the couch, pretending to breathe hard.  I love that I get to share things with her.  I'm amazed by how much she watches us and imitates us.  I know that the first things she cares about will be the things I show her I care about.

Just another little reminder that my health isn't just for me.  I may not raise my kids to be star athletes, but I can teach them to be healthy, and active, and to like it.  So go!  Run fast!!  Your babies are watching!

Quick update post:

Operation Wedding Dress was a supreme fail.  Apparently have developed disturbingly thick rib cage.  May have medical professionals look into this dilemma.  Will attempt Operation Wedding Dress again in 5-10 pounds.  In the mean time, Operation Cry-Self-To-Sleep is a go.

Goals

A couple days ago I was really struck by the benefit of having more than one goal on my weight loss path.  And I don't just mean lose weight AND say, look hotter.  Those are basically the same goal.  Also, one of the dirty little secret to weight loss is that it happens really slow in the mirror.  It takes a HECKUVA lot of lost poundage to start thinking you look better.  In the mirror, I still see chubby thighs and saggy belly.   Same basic components as I had 45 pounds ago, but in a smaller package, I suppose.  Something about your brain always seems a bit delusional.  It won't let you see how fat you get, and and it won't let you see how thin you get.  Your brain has a basic idea of what its host looks like, and it's stuck on that image.  Anyway, all this to say, simply "looking hot" will not be a successful or achievable weight loss goal.

I've mentioned before that I like running because when I'm doing that, I'm not thinking about how many pounds I'm losing, I'm thinking of how fast I'm getting, how far I'm going.  When I'm running, generally speaking, weight loss is gravy.  

Lately, I've found there's a flip side to that benefit.  After my big run last weekend, I recalibrated my Ipod, with disturbing results.  On Thursday I ran a short 5k, and pushed myself harder than nearly ever before.  Result: I'm running nearly 2 minutes per mile slower than I thought.  Ouch.  I'm getting pretty severely burned by running, the once-love of my exercise routine, as I realize I'm in much worse shape than I'd thought.  I'm slower than I thought.  I'm feeling more pain in my knees and the arches of my feet.  (I have super-high arches, prone to plantar fasciitis. It's awesome.) I am NOT impressed by anything I've accomplished thus far in my running, and I'm starting to wonder again how much more I can do, how much better I can get, and how soon till I'm in more pain that I can handle.  The 1/2 marathon coming up in a few weeks keeps me going, but will I still be running in May?  That, my dear friends, is a very good question.

So then, what keeps me going these days, when my runner-self is all grumpy and morose?  The answer is, weight loss. Cuz hey, I've lost almost 45 pounds.  I'm thinner today than I was when I graduated high school, when Shane and I met, when we got engaged, and when we got married.  This is the thinnest I've been as a married lady, and running has played a part in that.  

As I'm thinking about this, it occurs to me that I may need to find a third goal, for those days when the scale won't budge and I run like slow slow molasses, but I'm not sure what that is yet. I'll let you know if I ever figure that one out.

But as for now, I think I'm gonna go try on my wedding dress.  Pictures to follow, if I can get it zipped.  If not, pictures to follow when I CAN get it zipped.  In the mean time, happy weekend to you all!

Because self-respect isn't something I'm too familiar with.

Here ya go:  me in my new size 6 skinny jeans.  Submitted for your approval.  Or your unrestrained ridicule.    It's cool, I can take it.  Also, I'm pretty sure that this will allow each of you to see that yes, I DO in fact look every ounce of my 147 pounds.  The red shirt picture was somehow deceptive and ultra kind.  So no more stalling, pictures posted:

This is what I looked like when I went to work yesterday:

This is NOT what I looked like when I went to work yesterday:

The super long sweater helped hide my thickness, but I thought y'all deserved to see why my college roommates dedicated the Queen song "Fat bottomed girls" to me when I started dating my own "skinny lad".  It's also important to note here that my friends are CRAZY mean.  Who says something like that?  Jerkfaces.

 I like my awkward magazine clothing model pose on the left.  See how long my neck looks?? No.

*Side note:  I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I TOOK THESE LAST TWO PICTURES.  Even more so, I have no idea why I took them and then posted them on the internet.  Apparently, to me, self-disclosure means that you must essentially represent yourself as a crazy person with a Texas-sized backside.  That's right, right?

Anyway, there's the pics, now for the review.  Not bad, decently comfortable, for the most part.  As the day wore on though, I noticed something kind of annoying.  Probably due to all of the sitting, standing, and crouching I insist on doing in my daily life, the jeans did start to bag out a big after the first hour or two.  But not completely.  They got baggy from the knees to the butt, but the calf portion stayed firmly gripped to my legs.  This meant that I was getting a sort of saggy-bunched up look around my knees.  Anyone else noticed this, or is this another "Ashley has a bizarro body" moment?  My guess is that this could be solved by getting jeans with but of elasticity to them, I've noticed they tend to hold their shape better.

However, all-in-all, I really can't complain about the jeans.  I got very enthusiastic "Holy COW you've been losing a lot of weight!" responses from a couple people I work with, and tend to see every week or two.  These people were both men, who also seem slower to notice weight loss than ladies.  Oh, and then while visiting a local high school, one of the secretaries thought I was a student for few seconds before she realized who I was.  (She's another person I see on a weekly basis.)  I could have kissed her on the face.

So, I can't say I'm terribly in love with these jeans yet.  I did feel much more conscious of myself all day, specifically my thighs.  But if for whatever reason, these jeans make me seem extra thin and 10 years younger, well, I may never take them off again.

Because I keep my promises...

I had to make a trip to Target this afternoon.  It seems that it wasn't just a fluke, I have officially dropped from a size 14 to a size 6.  Woo hoo!  And as such, as I'd promised before, today I purchased my first pair of skinny jeans.  I'll have pictures posted for you in the next day or two, again, as promised, so y'all can be the judge of whether or not I'm yet able to rock this uber-fashionista style.  

That brings me to an excellent next point:  are skinny jeans, in fact, still in style?  

I typically live a life on the outskirts, maybe the suburbs, of "stylish dress", I try to present myself decently well without having to A) Purchase a new wardrobe every year. (In fact, these days, most of the clothes I wear are 5+ years old, since those are the ones that fit the best.) and B) Worry that because one season something was very "IN", the next season it will PROBABLY be very "out".  I've purchased a few items, or been given a few items that were supremely stylish during a particular season.  I always felt horribly conflicted later:  I'll feel stupid wearing this, now that "no one" wears this anymore, but I feel cheated out of a perfectly nice dress, shirt, belt, etc.  I still have a 50's-ish Black with pink polka dot spaghetti strap dress with exposed tulle under the skirt that was wickedly in style back in, oh, 2004 or so.  I wore it a few times when it was in style, and probably a few more when others had stopped.  So now it's in perfect shape, and it hangs in the back of my closet with no purpose in life.  I see it, and I'm frustrated, and I don't like to think about it anymore.

So, I avoid buying stylish clothes.  Skinny jeans won me over, not because I'm incredibly impressed by the stylishness of them, they don't seem to have the staying power of straight leg or boot cut jeans, but because, I guess, I CAN wear them.  This chubby girl may, JUST may, be able to pull off a style made exclusively for skinny ladies.

I might be able to pull them off, still need to figure out the how behind that.  I've learned about skinny jeans and stilettos, so I can give that a try.  Apart from that, I'll have to do some research.  I'm also open to suggestions.  And yes, if you're curious, this is how mega-nerds get dressed.  

My assessment of me in the SJ so far is this:  I'm certainly not the body type they're built for.  I put them on and my thighs and booty look, how shall I say, thick.  I do think, though, that they have a really kickin effect on my calves, so that's a balance.  I think, at the very least, with the right top and some decent shoes, I won't look bad in them.  The hubs says he "doesn't believe any one looks good in skinny jeans" but that as far as they go, I look nice in them.  He's such a sweet lil spin doctor. :-)

So there you have it, my next milestone completed.  Only about 10-12 more pounds down from here and I'm at my low end college weight, and about 20 from the lowest I've weighed as an adult. (I was 20 then, and it took going to Japan to accomplish that feat.)  

Oh, and 7 weeks from tomorrow till we leave on our anniversary trip!  Bikini body, don't want to scare you off, but you have exactly 7 weeks to show up out of nowhere!!  Good luck!

Well, that bit the big one.

So today was the "big run" I've been building towards for a bit now.  As my mom's house is about 13 miles away from mine, I thought it'd be a fun practice at the 1/2 marathon.  So I tracked out a route, stuck some bandaides in my ipod armband (blisters have become a frequent problem), and hit the road.

Things did not start off well.  My ipod seems to be having some play back issues with podcasts.  When I attempted to listen to these, they would randomly stop, which would for some reason also turn off my Nike+ tracking.  That was annoying, and it meant I had to just random shuffle through my music, or choose to listen to nothing for like, a million hours.  I chose the music, but had a terrible time getting my mind of my discomfort.  Bleah.

The first 3 miles were rough.  Not sure if it was the running along side of traffic, or the intimidation of knowing how far I had to go, but it was rough, and felt  pretty impossible.

But then Mile 3 hit, mile 4, 5, 6, and so on, and it got a little better.  I got into a groove, a long slow run to be sure, but progressing decently.

Everything was going just peachy until about mile 9.  By mile 9, things got hairy.  My legs were already exhausted, my knees and ankles ached, and I had a persisting pain in my chest.  Don't worry, I thought, you've done better.  You've gone farther.

And that's how I felt until about mile 11.  By that point, the hard was getting harder, and I had a completely disheartening realization.  I was too far away from my mom's house.  There was just no way I'd make it in two measly miles.  And this realization was crippling for me.  My ipod calibration, which I'd thought was rather good, was significantly off.  I had no real idea how much farther I needed to run.  I hadn't actually run 11 miles yet.  In fact, I'd never run 11 miles.  And my speed, which was already disturbingly slow, was actually even lower than I'd thought.  Here's another thing about running, about most things, probably:  Most of it seems to be in your head.  Knowing that I haven't been doing even as well as I'd thought, knowing that I was wrong about how far I'd come, well, it was a pretty wicked blow to my psyche.  After that, all I felt was my pain, my exhaustion, and the fact that I was stuck out in the boonies with no help, phone, or water.  Suckage.

But I kept running.  I ran through all the pain and internal whining, right up to where the nice lady who lives in my ipod suggested I'd "met my goal of 13.1 miles".  About a minute after that, somehow I wasn't running anymore.  I'd slowed to a walk, a walk which I maintained for a few minutes, ran a couple minutes, the back to walking.  Total walking time was about 7-10 minutes, and that was it for the quitting.  The last heck-if-I-know-how-long-it-was, I ran.  Dang the end always hurts.  For so much of this trip, my body screamed to stop.  But eventually, I was there.  Collapsed on the front lawn while I regained my ability to stand upright, certainly, but there.

The total trip took 2 hours, 40 minutes.  That trip included 3 stops at lights, 2 stops at drinking fountains (the walking trail had drinking fountains, that was great) 10 minutes of walking, and well, 2 hours and 40 minutes of pain.  I don't really want to know how slow I run.  I am so freakin exhausted.  My knees are killing me.  The arches in my feet ache.  Oh, and I have the WEIRDEST looking sun burn I've ever seen on a human.  Pictures to come, but as a spoiler, I don't need to wear my armband anymore to get the cool prestige of constantly wearing my armband.  AWESOME.

So I guess I kinda did it.  I don't know.  I went from my house to my mom's house.  I tortured myself, and I can't say I feel great about it.  Far too much disillusionment for one day.

Ah well.  You live, and you learn.  And you've still got 4 more weeks to get a little better for that Half.  Oye.  Time for some aloe, ice, and a few days of rest before any running happens again.

And shoot, at least I'm getting skinnier.  That's a thing.

Resolving for New Years- That sounds like something I'd do, right?

I have a problem with setting goals.  In my life up to this point, goals tend to feel a bit more like barriers, points or levels I can never hope to reach or surpass.  I had a MedHelp tracker goal to hit 140 by the end of 2010.  In that I'm still very near 160, that obviously didn't happen.  I later set a personal goal to hit 155 by the end of the year.  That goal really consisted of losing 1-2 pounds in about a week.  Reasonable? yes.  Unachievable? Apparently.  

It is for this reason that I fear setting goals.  I don't want to hear the tiny demon in my head convince me I'll never meet it.  However, I also know that no great thing is accomplished by accident.  (Except, say, the invention of penicillin.)  So I WILL set some goals for the year, I WILL wipe my slate clean of previous failure, and I WILL learn to achieve my goals through behavioral change.  Also, I think I will attach a weight tracker to this blog for regular updates.

So here we are, goals for 2011.  My first goal, is to work out every day this week.  When that's accomplished, I want to work out every day this month.  So far, this goal is within my sights, as I have already worked out today.  I want to be 155 or less (this number is recurring and important to me, as it puts me at a BMI of less than 25.  Translate?  I would officially be a healthy-weighted person again) by the end of this week.  Then, I want to continue to average 5-7 (currently, I'm at 7) pounds of weight loss each month until my weight goal is achieved.

Now that brings me to that big goal, the WEIGHT I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO ACHIEVE.  The problem with this is that I change it more frequently than I do my socks (hey-o!!)  At points near the beginning, I just wanted to be a healthy weight.  At others, I say 145, or at least "under 150", because history dictates this is the time when people start to really notice the change.  I think that's where I go from looking "a little chubby" to looking "normal".  I carried 135 in college for a couple years, and it would feel really good to be back there again.  Also, that's a BMI of 22, which Wii fit also suggest for me.  And that's what I'm really talking about when I think of my goals.  But secretly, I also want to be down to the 120's, somewhere I've only been during my summer in Japan (at least at this height).  At that point, I would be thin, I could firm up, and look pretty stinkin not bad in a bikini.  At my goal rate, 125 would be achieved by the end of June.  Since I started this journey in August, that would made this an 11 month journey from "obese" to "pretty stinkin not bad in a bikini".  Then, of course, we can start trying to have another kid and start the 9 month climb back up. ;-)

Anyway, there it is.  In writing.  With the accountability of knowing that there's a good 20-30 people who read this relatively regularly, and will know if I get lazy and coast through this year.  So let's raise our glasses (of vitamin water)  and toast the new year, and how much less of us we'd like to see in it!!