On my way to losing a marathon!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Bandaids and Bullhorn Demons

Tomorrow is my official weekly weigh-in, but today was one of those crazy-great weigh ins that I have to record lest it no longer be true tomorrow.

Today, I got down to 151.6.

It's not a milestone or anything, it's just so exciting to see the weight keep dropping.  I've been thinking about this whole "weight loss journey" thing lately, and I gotta tell ya.  I'm freaking sick of it.

We went to a birthday party on Saturday, and I was surprised to find that it didn't even take a great deal of personal resolve to turn down the cupcakes, to walk past most of the lunch spread and stick to fruit and salad.  "No thanks."  That's all it takes, really, to NOT eat a cupcake.  Just 'no thanks', and the proffered snack goes away.

Well, at least that's how things look on the outside, but that "no thanks" still takes a lot of training.  Have you been there?  You're offered a food you love, and you know you shouldn't.  It wouldn't be good for your diet, and you know, you KNOW, that you can have that thing again some other day.  But then there's this little part of you, this little demon with a bullhorn who gets alerted that you just turned down some delicious food substance.  And then she wakes up, and decides to engage Logical You in some friendly conversation.

Bullhorn Demon: Hey!  HEY!! What do you mean by turning down that cupcake?
Logical You: I'm on a diet, I don't need the calories right now.
BD: Nonononononononoooo. Go ahead, tell them you changed your mind!!
LY: Don't worry about it, we're not having a cupcake today.  I know it looks good but..
BD: Call them back, SNEAK THE DAMN THING IF YOU HAVE TO!
LY: Okay, no.  I know it looks good but I don't think I should be sneaking around a kids birthday party stealing food...
BD: What the heck are you doing woman, you just turned down THE LAST CUPCAKE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!!!! YOU'LL REGRET THIS DECISION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!  YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN'S CHILDREN WILL TELL STORIES ABOUT HOW THEIR GRANDMOTHER RUINED HER WHOLE LIFE BY SKIPPING THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY CUPCAKE!!!!!!
LY: ...

I'm not sure if you've met her, but my Bullhorn Demon is loud.  And clinically insane.  And, I'm pretty sure, at least somewhat suicidal.  I spend my life trying to keep her locked up, for her safety and mine, but you know, after Deinstitutionalization and all...

So yeah, I'm sick of this diet, but I do not mean to quit.  If I quit, I would feel bad about myself.  I would just look down in a week or a month or a year and see the same jiggly midsection  and think, "wow, better hit that diet again".  Quitting doesn't make the stupid diet go away.

Finishing does.

Quitting just makes that stupid Bullhorn Demon feel empowered next time.  Quitting gives her a bigger bullhorn, and I'm having trouble hearing other people talk as it is.  So I'm sick of this diet and I'm doing whatever I can to get freaking over it.  I want to hit 120.  When I started, I had 56 pounds to lose to get there.  As of today, I have just under 32.  If I lose 2 pounds a week, I can get into the 120's before the holidays, and if I don't holiday myself into oblivion, reach my goal weight before Christmas.

This is my motivation.  I don't want to feel chubby this fall or this winter or for the rest of my life.  I want to get fit and toned and thin, and then I want to see what it's like to just move on, to just live my  life.

Now don't get me wrong.  There is still a wonderful aspect to the experience of losing weight.  It's great to have goals and then meet them.  It's great to see yourself become a better version of yourself.  But of course, it's a journey, not a destination, and I certainly don't want to be this weight-loss "work in progress" forever.

It takes a lot.  Maybe I could still be losing weight if I strayed a little, if I ate a little more, if I wasn't exercising.  But I'm not interested in that.  When you pull of the bandaid, you don't stretch out that activity slowly out of the next few weeks and watch each painful little hair you pull out of your arm.  No!  You grab that thing and pull it off as fast as you freaking can.  You grit your teeth and make it hurt like crazy for a couple seconds, then you MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.  And I'm ready, folks.  I am so, so ready for the after part to come.

So take a deep, deep breath, grab the corner and...

1 comment:

  1. Ok, has your Bullhorn Demon met my Inner Lunatic? I'm pretty sure they're made for each other. Hopefully someday they'll meet, make sweet love, start their own family and leave us the heck alone. Until then, I LOVE your quote - quitting doesn't make the stupid diet go away, finishing does!! Awesome!!

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