Friday, November 12, 2010

Because self-disclosure is healthy, right?

I've been talking a great deal about my recent weight loss through facebook posts this past few months, but here's the whole, or at least, whole-ish story.  Previous to getting pregnant, I had been approximately 180 pounds for a couple of years, basically the extent of my marriage up till then.  Depressing. scary.  All in all, just not a pleasant thing.  Then, right before getting pregnant, I'd lost a few pounds, gotten closer to 170, and was starting to feel good about that.  Then of course pregnancy, getting ridiculously huge, blah blah blah.  After Mpants was born, I got down to 186 within a couple of weeks, and then... stopped.  That was it.  For about 10 months I ranged from 186 to 191, disturbed by the how close I was to 200 stinkin pounds, by the fact that I weighed 30-40 pounds more than my husband, and by the fact that I was now, officially, Obese.  That, by the way, is a disturbing, disgusting word that gives one images of fat suits and walking with a more side-to-side than forward gait.  Yikes.  So I made a few attempts to cut calories, which, inevitably led to reduced breast milk production, and in one occasion, completely drying up.  So diets got tossed aside, (milk returned with some work, and yes, there is WORK to be done in bringing that back), and exercise was dismissed as something I didn't have the time or energy for in the first place.

My brother got married in August.  Sorry for the non-sequitur, but really, it's not.  That wedding, and the size 14, yes 14, bridesmaid dress I had purchased for it, (and was painfully continuing to fit perfectly in,) were on my mind constantly.  Wedding pictures never die, never even hide.  I did NOT want to look like an Obese woman in a size 14 dress forever and ever amen.  So I researched diets.  Discussed the costs of various meal-replacement options with Shane.  And in the end, opted for Slim Fast, because it's cheap, there's no commitment, and if I couldn't make it work, it wouldn't be financially AND emotionally devastating for our family.

So I bought supplies, and for about 10 days, rocked the plan.  At least in my memory, I worked it pretty well.  Total weight loss for that 10 days?  Zilch.  So I let Shane know I was giving up, there was simply no need to make life difficult when there was no reward for doing so.  And 30 minutes later, Shane comes back in with that, "I've been thinking about something I want to say, but I don't want to be hurtful" face on.  He tells me he wants me to keep trying, if for no other reason than that I will feel good about myself for having tried.  (At this point, the wedding was about 2 1/2 weeks away.)  He wants me to keep up with the Slim Fast, to exercise, and to pray about this.  Now previous to this, I hadn't really ever prayed about weight loss.  It felt selfish.  Does God REALLY care about my pant size?  In the end I will say, I still can't really answer that question.  But I have learned more that God is powerful, God is joyous when we acknowledge his control in our lives, and God wants to bless us.  So as a side note, it must be said here that the absolute best part of this journey is that it has correlated with my search for greater understanding, deeper knowledge of my own faith and God's relationship with his children.  I can now say I'm losing weight because of God, and that through weight loss, I'm getting to know him better.

So here we are, 3 1/2 months later, and I'm tipping the scales a bit less, at 164.  For the first time IN MY LIFE, I've had the experience of setting out to lose weight, and seeing that happen.  Of course I've lost weight before, when I moved to college, when I started dating Shane, but never "on purpose".   So there are moments when I see that and just feel "wow".  I've gone from a 14 to a size 10, and am looking forward to losing another 20-30 pounds before I'm done.  So it's exciting.... ish.  Because here's the rub:  It's the holidays, which means seeing people I don't see more than once or twice a year, and I don't. look.  thin.  I am still 9 pounds over a healthy BMI, and still look, let's say, chubs.  I know from experience that I will look that way until I get into the 140s.  And while it's encouraging to finally be on the right road, that's mild, it's exhilarating, I also know I'm no where near where I need or want to be yet.  This story isn't even half way done.

So there it is folks, for those who have asked, and I guess those who never cared, my tour of improved health so far.  And now, because it's what I do these days, I'm gonna go work out ;-)


  1. Ashley, you're doing a great job!!! Keep it up!

  2. I needed that, thanks! And by the way, I am very proud of you. Not so much about your weight loss but your growth in our Father and your relationship with your husband.

    Love Dad

  3. Thanks for sharing I really needed to hear this. I am currently going throught this as well. Keep up the good work!!!

  4. Good to see you have found an outlet during this "change" (or changes)...Bloggin is fun, right?

  5. Thanks for the comments, and I'm happy to hear this has been an encouraging thing for others. Of course it's always easier to give the "real numbers" when either the bad ones (or at least the worse ones) are a past tense, but I do strongly feel that we need to get over our fear of that number being found out. No more lying on our Driver's Licenses people! :-)


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