Friday, July 27, 2012

Holy flaming balls of apple cider vinegar, Batman!

I'm not lactose intolerant.  At least, I'm pretty sure.  I'd taken myself off the stuff for a couple of weeks, and I still had stomach cramps.  So I took myself off diet soda.  Apparently Aspartame can also cause stomach cramps and what not, so I thought I'd give it a try.

I really think I might throw up.

Anyway, that didn't help either.

It was brought to my attention that one fun part about being in my family is that we have horrible issues with our gallbladders.  In fact, among the women in my family, gallbladders are becoming something of an endangered species, and pretty much all food (but mostly fatty food) can set some stuff off.

Oh good Lord I think I might need to go throw up. 

This whole week, I've been feeling better.  For the first time in months, I've been going throughout both day and night without feeling even that general sense of "yuck".  And then, ya know, tonight happened.

Tonight I had a bar-b-que chicken burger and some french fries.

Oh for frick's sake, just kill me now.

And it hurts.  Up under my ribcage, and bloating, and like it would just feel better if I could throw up, you know, just a little.  And then sharp pains between my shoulder pains...

So yeah, I admit it. I did something stupid.

I went on the freaking internet.

Don't. Ever. Go. On the freaking internet.

Cuz the internet told me that it would be a fantabulous idea to treat a "gallbladder attack", with a "straight shot of apple cider vinegar".

Good news:  I really don't care about my maybe-it's-my-gallbladder pain now.  Because I just learned that the primary use for a straight shot of apple cider vinegar is making you wish you were dead.

I gagged and coughed over the sink, fluids dripping out of each of my face-holes.  I flung myself violently around the room and tore at my clothes and prayed for the sweet release of death.


No, I wasn't.  At least, I wasn't under the impression that this was the true intention of my "remedy".  However, I'm not apposed to thinking that this may be a gigantic internet-wide prank being played on me.  Dang, I really should have checked Snopes.  If I can make it through the rest of this evening without VIOLENTLY VOMITING OVER EVERYTHING I OWN, I would consider this evening a success.

At this point, I don't care if I have gallbladder problems.  I don't ever need to eat fatty foods again.  They're not worth the pain, and the dumbass internet "remedy" is a far far worse thing than I have ever experienced before.

So I'm writing this as a reminder for the next time I feel enticed by a piece of pizza or a french fry.  Because I don't want to die.  Or ever, ever, ever be around vinegar in my life. Again. Ever.

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